Yesterday, the always on point Rachel Hodin wrote a piece about things girls do that are irrational, but really aren’t (she swears). And although I’ve never left work to take a poop, the article made me think — mostly about how the article template could easily be converted to dudes, but also about the concept of irrationality, and how it relates to gender. Because although women usually get the full blast of that label, it doesn’t mean that men don’t also do ridiculous, incredibly irrational things every now and then. For example, quite a few of us:
1. Punch Inanimate Objects
Kevin Brown, Amar’e Stoudemire, that kid who lost in beer pong during that party my apartment had during junior year of college; all of these humans have suffered from a syndrome which appears to primarily plague men — punching things that aren’t only inanimate, but are nearly guaranteed to give us substantial injury.
There is of course a perfectly rational, DirectTV commercial-esque way of explaining why men punch walls. When men get angry, men need to release their aggression. When men need to release their aggression, they usually pour out all their deep, sappy, feelings in a diary. But if they don’t have a diary on hand, they need to punch a wall. In a way, it’s weirdly responsible; they’re the only ones getting hurt.
2. Assume That The Second We Become Single, We’re Gonna Hook Up With 7,000 Girls
I’ve fallen for this pretty much every time I’ve been newly single. Of course, it doesn’t quite happen that way — there’s like 4 dudes in the world not named Derek Jeter that hook up with girls every night. And after thinking about it, being one of those four dudes sounds not only exhausting, but jam-packed with perpetual sadness (and disease). Best stick to the occasional grouper, or that girl you met at Penny Farthing last Saturday.
Not to mention — when you become newly single, you suddenly remember you’ve got absolutely zero idea how to talk to girls.
3. Lift More Than We Can Handle
I tore my shoulder and don’t think I ever fully recovered (I stopped doing the exercises I needed to being doing, because 19 year-olds are invincible), so I’m a little bit weaker when it comes to lifting — for someone my size, I don’t lift as much as I think I should. But whenever I go to the gym with a friend, I’ll always stack on a few more weights than I could totally handle. This is probably pretty foolish.
I think this action stems from the same sort of insecurity that prompts younger dudes to drive fast when there are other dudes in the car. It’s this weird assertion of masculinity, effectively telling the others that you’ve been a man-card carrying member for decades.
4. Unsolicited Dick Pics
Sending an unsolicited dick pick is like 1980s Jordan Belfort telling his clients how much the stock he’s selling them is actually worth. Now is that really a good idea?
5. Spend Time, Money, And Base Our Happiness On The Welfare Of The Cleveland Browns
No need to go into a whole thing about sports, and how rooting for a sports team is irrational — being a diehard sports fan (man or woman) is not irrational. It’s simply a “thing” one does — while one person’s “thing” may be brewing their own beer, another person’s thing may be watching every single Columbus Blue Jackets game. Rooting for sports teams is nothing more than a passionate hobby.
The irrational part comes from the expectation disconnect. If you went to a restaurant and they served you disappointing sushi, you’d probably never go back again. Yet if you’re a Mets fan, you’ll come back year after year for that same disappointing sushi — even the years you know the sushi is gonna be disappointing. Yet you’ll continue — and even embrace — spending your valuable time and money on that sushi, because nobody can take away the fact that this is your sushi place. For some reason, this is OK in sports.
6. Outdrink/Outmuscle/Outdo Each Other (Turn Everything Into A Competition)
Masculine irrationality often comes down to sheer competitiveness — no matter how inane the thing may be, the man needs to be better at that thing. Few people capture this irrational masculine competitiveness better than the jokesters Key & Peele:
7. Die While Snorkeling
A few months ago I was on a family vacation in St. Thomas. One of the days we went on this group snorkeling trip, which consisted of 3 burgeoning 20-somethings teaching us how to snorkel. We hung out with them afterwards, and a few drinks later we got down to the more exciting tales of the Virgin Islands snorkel world — one of the dudes, who will we call Reece, was telling us about how one dude died while they were out there. He continued with the following:
“Yea, you’d think you’d have to watch out for the old people, but they’re usually fine. It’s always the middle-aged men we have to worry about. They’re always doing too much. Pretty much every incident we’ve had has been because of like a 54 year-old dude who thinks he’s still 30.”
In conclusion, go snorkeling or die trying.