We live in the age of extreme hyperbole and superlative — which I think we can all agree, is pretty much the worst thing ever.
That said, you still gotta play the game. If the TV show you’re currently watching isn’t the greatest, you’re clearly wasting your time. If the salad place you go isn’t the best in the neighborhood, you might as well crawl into a hole and die.
And obviously, that hole better be the most uncomfortable hole any salad-eater has ever died in.
The hyperbole epidemic is definitely at a weird tipping point — news outlets (that are posing as news outlets) need clicks, and language hasn’t yet evolved to appease the endless army of dying Fro Yo eaters. It’s an apocalypse, alright. The 5th apocalypse this week.
1. How Little Sleep We Get
Because life isn’t sad at all, many people pride themselves on the fact that they only got “like, 3 hours of sleep last night.”
People who don’t sleep are usually up doing really important things, like envisioning how awesome it’s gonna be when they tell their co-worker that they spent the majority of the night not sleeping. A good rule of thumb here is to take the amount of sleep they got, and tack on two more hours. Three hours is usually 5, four hours is usually 6. Fourteen hours is usually 16.
2. How Bad The Weather Is
The weather channel has been speaking exclusively in bold and all caps for years. But now that this winter was pretty much the worst, weather forecasting has really been enjoying a remarkable resurgence in acceptable hyperbole.
Exaggeration is to weather forecasting as hawaiian shirts are to fashion — no one takes either seriously, and then all of a sudden everyone does.
3. How Many Hours We Work
I’m approaching two years out of school, and for the past 24 months 80% of the conversations I’ve had have gone like this:
“Dude, I’m exhausted. Was at the office since 7 in the morning, just got out now.”
“I know how you feel, this is the first time I’ve left the office in like three weeks.”
“Yea. I’ve bee there. Four weeks ago, I didn’t leave the office for like six weeks.”
“That’s crazy man. Sorry to end this conversation, I actually have to head into the office right now.”
4. How Hard We Work
I don’t really understand this one. Everyone I know works “ridiculously hard,” yet I also just read a 3 page long email about a trade proposal in my fantasy baseball league, and how Chris better tell Hannah to bring her hot friends to the barbecue this weekend.
In between writing this sentence and last, I definitely was not on Facebook.
5. How Terrible Olives Are
C’mon. They aren’t all that bad, are they?