Brunch has been in the news lately, on account of NYC boozy brunches first being illegal, then being legal again. While I have zero factual basis for this claim, I think the whole thing might’ve been a grand scheme by brunch establishments to get people talking and excited as spring-time hits. Springtime + people not shutting up about how nice it is outside = boozy brunches galore.
But whether your cup is filled with alcohol or coffee, there’s no denying that brunch seems to be more of a “thing” with each passing day. Be it a zeitgeist-approved way of catching up with friends, a proven method for Sunday relaxation, or a calculated means of reflecting a particular social status, here are some of the more hot and heavy people you might encounter at a brunch.
1. New Hookup, Who Gets To Be Judged.
Much like a person who’s applying for a respectable government position, a new hookup needs to be properly vetted by the friend group at large. What better way to do this than to bookend a late night rendezvous by dragging him to brunch?
Granted, this screening (and pre-screening) will usually occur on instagram and such, but a brunch is often a great way to preview a potential relationship. Bring a hookup, have him meet your friends, and get him properly terrified. If he says “your friends are really cool,” it means he’s still interested. A bit rattled, but still interested.
Given that he’s new, shiny, and not Gavin, he will command a significant amount of attention.
2. Out Of Town Friend.
Probably the best occasion to acceptably eat overpriced apple cinnamon French toast is when a long lost friend is in town. Maybe it’s two years after graduation, and Alex is making that long hyped up trip back to DC — a big trip, given that Alex has got so many people to see.
When trips such as the one above occur, brunch aggregation is always a good move — Alex’s host should probably organize a group brunch, in which 8-9 people ask Alex the same questions about how life is back in Omaha. More likely than not, this will get more depressing as the brunch goes on.
3. Sunglasses McGhee.
They got so wasted last night that believe it or not, they cannot even; they would like to even, but they are completely unable to even.
They are however, capable of apologizing for being completely unapologetic.
4. Person Who Needs The Whole Table To Weigh In On His/Her Text Convo.
Always the best subplot. Ideally the brunch is long enough to get a few exchanges in.
5. The Chief Of Staff.
The chief of staff is the text receiver’s most respected confidante, who will be the loudest and most forceful voice of guidance. Think of him/her as the Frank Underwood to the texter’s President Walker.
*If they’re of the opposite sex/both homosexual, it’s all but guaranteed that at some point, they’ll end up together.
6. The Brunch Veteran.
The veteran shines when less seasoned brunch attendees have questions about the menu, or the general process. Ideally, this person should have a great relationship with the folks at their dry cleaners — 85% of his wardrobe should be freshly ironed at all times.
7. Eligible Lone Wolf.
Brunch is probably the best place for an eligible bachelor to appear the most desirable; he’s probably dressed semi-nicely, he probably looks slightly sad, and his sheer attendance is proof that he exists during the day.
8. The Person With The “Different” Career.
A group of five guys go out to a bar. Four of them are wearing plaid, one is wearing something else. Everyone avoids the four dudes wearing plaid, because nobody’s quite sure whether or not they’re in some sort of bromoerotic mafia.
If everyone’s in consulting but one person’s an architect, the architect is suddenly fascinating.
9. Laughably Late Lauren.
Cool and likeable are generally two different things. But where laughably late Lauren gains her social cred is by somehow getting away with — and even being respected for — having a blatant disregard for social norms. Think Jessa from Girls.
10. Person Who Picks Up The Check.
Hopefully, you know someone who works for WhatsApp.