People are weird always, but people are definitely way weirder during the holiday season. Here are a few of the frightening humans all of us turn into over the next few weeks:
1. The Chronic Holiday Picture Captioner
Whether it’s a fireplace or a pile of wrapping paper that’s carefully arranged to look messy, any occasion is picture time.
The captions are very important, as they enable the holiday picture taker to turn longstanding traditions into a means of further promoting their personal brand. Nothing says individuality quite like shot of pine needles, parylayed into a reason to complain about being single.
2. Stressed Out Holiday Person
What starts out as genuine excitement quickly morphs into a highly entertaining parody of somebody who means well, but is ultimately overcome by a holiday party! and gift! neuroticism so overwhelming, it’d put a coked out George Costanza to shame.
In the world of stock images, this person also has a weird tendency to carry around large, circular clocks.
3. Emotional Day Time Talk Show Host
I know. The holidays are tough. Especially this year. But you CAN get through it, so long as you talk like this.
So please. Relax. Breathe. Take a moment. It’ll all be okay. I haven’t had an orgasm in years.
4. The Relationship Vacillator, Who Comes Off As A Giant Douche
He likes you, but he’s not sure if he wants to take it to the next level. This becomes very confusing, especially when he gets you a gift.
Mixed signals cede to a debilitating uncertainty, which puts you guys in prime position to participate in the worldwide tradition of post-holiday breakups.
5. The Secretly Vulnerable Grinch
Very much like Don Draper, this man or woman is at once painstakingly predictable, yet insatiably alluring. They say they hate the holidays, but that’s only because watching It’s A Wonderful Life is way too tough to watch ever since Cassie got back together with that other guy.
6. Annoying Snarky Tweeter Who Hates Himself 2 Minutes After Tweeting
What’s that? Everyone is talking about how cold it is outside?
Well in that case, I should definitely talk about how everyone’s talking about how cold it is outside. Instant comedy!
7. The Self-Promotional Foodie
With items such as pumpkin pie desert mousse and vegan gingerbread, the foodie’s primary goal is to use the holiday season as a means to force other people to recognize that they are a prolific producer of food items, all of which can be found on the cant-miss webpage, TianasTreats.blogspot.com.
8. Soapbox Sam
Acting as if they’d willingly give up hot showers in exchange to permanently scowl at materialists, this walking upworthy headline takes the holidays to remind everyone on Facebook that there are people who are starving, and that by not helping you’re the worst type of heathen.
The most tragic statistic of all is that every day, millions of people around the world–people just like you and me–lose all their friends by refusing to get off their high-horse.
9. Concerned Texter
To get real for a moment, the holidays are a time where some people take drastic action to demonstrate to the world that their lives are a lot shittier than they had hoped for.
‘Tis the season for suicides and other sad news stories, many of which are thankfully prevented via the fascinating work of a concerned texter. “Checking in” every few hours can actually be as meaningful as it is annoying.
10. The Confirmed Alcoholic
This person always knew they were close to the edge. But it is here, upon being completely Chris Sloshed at 2pm in front of his little cousins, that the words “I have a problem” legitimately enters the consciousness.
Best get in the blaze of glory now–scowling family members and forced New Years Resolutions await.