1. You’ve long since abandoned any hope that you’ll find love in this world.
2. Your friends are only as useful as their willingness to be manipulated.
3. You spent an unhealthy amount of time delving into deep internet subreddits–the 2013 equivalent of being fascinated by horcruxes.
4. People are ostensibly flummoxed by your career plan; they believe you’re throwing your life away. But what else would you expect from silly muggles?
5. You vehemently agree with everything Kevin Spacey says when he talks to the camera in House Of Cards.
6. You’re kinda into the bald look, and do enough cocaine to ensure your nostrils will permanently rebel against you.
7. The sheer prospect of working for someone else, let alone ever doing anything for someone else, makes you convulse with insatiable agony.
8. You’re super into skull tattoos.
9. You believe misfits are only labeled as such because there is something fundamentally wrong with the existing power structure.
10. You believe ambition will always be the driving force behind people of worth; that those who lack ambition are an insult to the human race.
11. You dress in black mostly. You were the lead goth in middle school, but were very vocal about the fact that you’re not a vamp kid.
12. Your primary cultural influences are Machiavelli and Kanye.
13. You follow zero people on twitter. You’d rather die before following someone else.
14. One of your favorite pastimes is watching people who fundamentally disagree with your life philosophy fail miserably. You perpetually daydream about those people coming crawling back to you, begging for your mercy.
15. Most teachers loved you, but there was that one, Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society-esque dude who always seemed deeply critical of your general essence. You pretended like it didn’t bother you, but of course it did.
16. You’re not sure how you feel about Drake, but can’t help resonating with the fact that you started at the bottom.
17. You hate to admit it, but a comedy centered around you donning Hawaiian shirts, trying to find love on a Carribean vacation would be pure gold.
18. You eat very nice meals at a really long $30,000 table. Nobody eats with you.
19. You believe the point of life isn’t to cheat death; it’s to conquer death.
20. Your least favorite thing in the world is college a capella groups.