New York City, among other things, is known for being a place where people go so they can make it seem like they’re doing something huge with their lives. If you’re searching for a man along the way, here are a few you may encounter:
1. Work Hard, Play Mildly, Go Back To Work
Those 80 hour workweeks bring in quite the cash, but this specimen’s greatest asset is that he gets to tell everyone he can only stay at the bar for another 30 minutes. For visual proof, he will place his work phone at the table to ensure everyone knows how irrefutably valuable he is to society.
If he’s single, it’s not because he’s getting after it every weekend in stereotypical Bert The Broker style–it’s because he legitimately doesn’t have the time to court a girl he’s interested in.
Natural Habitat: Somewhere between Park Avenue (north of Grand Central) and Murray Hill
Trending Towards: Lower East Side, Williamsburg
2. Craft Beer Christopher
He’s got a decent job, but ultimately one of limited passion. He’s therefore made a point to channel his surprisingly considerable frustration through exploring the world of socially acceptable vices.
Given its minor douchiness and barrier for entry (you generally have to be wearing a jacket, a flannel, and boast an additional 3-5 layers of gentrifcation to qualify for this hobby), craft beer is a no-brainer.
Natural Habitat: East Village
Trending Towards: Park Slope
3. Frank Ha
The male version of Greta Gerwig’s character in Frances Ha, Frank is pursuing a career as an artist.
Be it music, comedy, or celebrity background dancing, Frank’s life is a series of humorous cliches set to an 1800’s violin routine. His life is “awesome” in the sense that he’s pursuing what he wants to, but 99.3% of every day is spent being worried about money.
He’s fun to date for about five minutes, but he’s too in love with himself for it to really go anywhere.
Natural Habitat: Below 14th St
Trending Towards: Parent’s House
4. Guy Who Should Be In LA
Through midtown lunches and happy hours in TriBeCa, this is the guy who somehow possesses intricate knowledge of every single neighborhood in New York City. He also knows about 95% of the people you know, as evidenced by his 4,500 Facebook friends and reassurance that he and Todd “Go wayyy back. Next time you see him, ask him what he thinks of Miami. He’ll know what you’re talking about.”
He’s destined for a career in schmoozing, and it’s only taken in half a decade to conquer all of New York. Los Angeles awaits, where he’ll continue to crush it on Tinder.
Natural Habitat: SoHo
Trending Toward: LAX
5. Gritty, Native City Kid
Sleek, stylish, and everything that independent clothing companies aspire to be in human form. Everything he does is a subtle homage to “Real New York”–the one that existed before it stopped existing. Which happened way, way before you got here.
The only thing he loves more than New York is his own infatuation with New York
Natural Habitat: Lurking on the 1 train.
Trending Toward: Harlem
6. The Future Young Dad
This guy only moved to New York City because half of his fraternity was going there, and figured city life would just be a natural extension of life at Penn State. Alas, not the case at all, and this relatively good-hearted man has had enough.
His resume landed him a good entry-level the job with a reputable law firm, but his critical thinking skills have taken him out of the game. For if this is what success looks like, he wants no part of it.
Wholesome enough to be “the one,” but you’ll have to move back to the ‘burbs to land him.
Natural Habitat: Upper East Side (the part with young professionals)
Trending Towards: LaGuardia
7. The Intellectual Masturbator
I cannot take credit for this term (coined by a friend), but it’s a pretty great one. This type can be found fresh off the liberal arts/grad school grind, thoroughly impressed with the fact that he can quote Proust’s Wikipedia Page.
It’s difficult to tell what’s more exhausting; trying to keep up in conversation, or looking at his scarf.
Natural Habitat: Some Hip Hole In The Wall Right By Tompkins Square Park
Trending Towards: West Village
8. In Tommy We Trust
A few weeks back, my friend recounted a run-of-the-mill “weird night out in New York” story, in which he briefly spent time at the apartment of the son of some Texas Oil Tycoon. He described the apartment as a series of $20,000 crocodile rugs, upturned noses, and a view worth talking about for months.
It’s a story that is at once original, yet also universal. Young trust funders lurking around the city is very much “a thing”–one that you’ll, if not experience firsthand, likely hear about.
Natural Habitat: Meatpacking District
Trending Towards: Wherever beautiful people decide to exclude people next.
9. Guy Who’s Getting Crushed By Life In General, But Loves New York Anyway
I am not here to tell you what New York city feels and sounds like, given that articles of that nature are written about 4,000 times per hour. But this species’s interpretation of New York–one that balances despair and elation in an unfathomably harmonious manner–is quite fascinating to observe. It’s as if he gets broken up with every day, yet falls back in love every night.
The more he hates the place, the more sentimentally attached he becomes. What a great relationship model.
Natural Habitat: His neighborhood diner.
Trending Towards: Walking on a random city street, looking up at the sky, and shouting about how much he loves this city.