Earlier this month, one of my more ratchet friends celebrated her birthday. It was a swell time she said, until her ex-boyfriend showed up and “ruined her life forever.”
While I highly doubt that Ratchet’s life will now be compromised for the duration of her existence, she brings up a pretty good point; even on the most festive occasions, is there ever really a good time to run into an ex?
Probably not. But there are definitely situations that are worse than others. Here are a few of the most brutal:
1. Grocery Shopping
If you’re going for the frozen foods and lean cuisines, it means that there’s a good chance you actually don’t know how to take care of yourself. Part of this is due to your general human composition, and part of it’s due to the fact that you’re still reeling from the breakup–two things that indicate to your ex that (a. breaking up was definitely the right move, and (b. they’ve won.
If you’re going for the hummus/kale buffet of self-improvement, there’s a good chance that this is simply a move to try and take back control–something you completely lost upon breaking up. Meaning that at the grocery store, even the positive decisions can imply that you’re reeling.
2. Party Hosted By Mutual Friends
Mostly because 97% of all conversations will revolve around the fact that you and a human that you once were intimate with are at this place. Is it weird? Is it awkward? What are they doing now? Are they talking?
Parties where exes interact are the real life equivalent of reality shows –everyone knows the characters, everyone talks about it for unreasonable amounts of time, and everybody has very strong opinions about whether or not Mike was actually even good for Jenny in the first place.
3. Anywhere With Your Family
Not so much because it’s mortifying, but because the rest of the day will be spent having to answer nagging questions about what went wrong between you two. If a snuggie is the pinnacle of comfort, this situation is like a snuggie with bowser spikes and a mom who desperately wants grandchildren.
4. Da Club
A normal bar isn’t ideal either, but at least you can sit at a table and sulk over some jalapeno poppers. Da Club, however, doesn’t afford you that luxury.
Da Club makes you sit through Pitbull songs telling you that this is the greatest night you’ll ever have, all while watching your ex get sloppy amidst a dance floor oozing with people who wear fedoras and say the word “girl” in a silky R&B voice. Drowning your misery in alcohol quickly becomes the only option. Your heart is crushed, but that’s nothing compared to your wallet.
One time, I was sitting on the couch next to my “dude, you gotta check out this Tinder thing! Not like I’m taking it seriously, but I totally am!” friend, and up popped a girl that I was once quite close with. We shared a laugh, he swiped a negative.
But it made me realize that if your ex is the “unfriending” type and you both live in the same city, it’s probably incredibly easy to run into your ex on tinder. Which way do you swipe?
6. Third Eye Blind Concert
If you’re like me and really like Third Eye Blind, you probably got really excited when they came to your college sophomore year to play a concert. You probably got less excited when you ran into your ex there, and then got all sad, and then said some dumb things under the influence of alcohol, and then kinda got back together while Third Eye Blind was playing the song Crystal Baller.
I actually really liked that concert and have always thought that all the #emotions I experienced would make for a relatively decent coming of age movie starring Logan Lerman, but it triggered a series of events that ended pretty messily. It actually wasn’t that messy and we barely even dated, but it was a time in my life when I really liked the band Brand New, so obviously I thought that we had.
7. Your Fave Restaurant
Much like the song Crystal Baller, running into an ex at your favorite restaurant will force you to text all your friends that he/she had the audacity to crash your place and ruin it forever. Hopefully, there’s another Chipotle not too far away.
8. Your Therapist’s Office
Though on second thought, if they’re there too…