7 Reasons Why High School Never Ends

The band Bowling For Soup has a song called High School Never Ends. Centering around the premise that we don’t really ever outgrow our high school immaturities, it equates celebrities to high school stereotypes (Jack Black as class clown, Brad Pitt as the star quarterback) and is overall a pretty solid listen:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrxI_euTX4A&w=584&h=390]

Given that there are like 4 original ideas left in the world, I figured I’d expound upon the solid groundwork laid out for us by Bowling For Soup:

1. The Social Media Cafeteria

At every high school–or at least, the high schools portrayed by television shows with Seth Cohen-esque leads–there exists the end all be all that is the high school cafeteria. A place that actively shapes and confirms social status, and circumstantiate the school’s socio-cultural hierarchy. Oftentimes an unforgiving place, but also a place where bold-flavored statements are made (moving to a new table is the high school equivalent of a 1500s European man denouncing his religion.)

Social media has picked up right where the cafeteria left off. It’s a place where (a. you see who is hanging out with who, and (b. people see who you are hanging out with. And while social media allows you to exaggerate your life situation (we don’t post ourselves, we post how we want to be perceived), there are certain realities–such as where you’re living, and who are you/aren’t in pictures with–that pretty much answer all the questions for you.

2. Making Money vs. Being Cool

In one of his books (I forget which one, that’s how smart I am) society-man David Brooks talks about the status-income disequilibrium–how people with more stimulating and “fun” jobs, while lacking income, seemingly have greater cultural credibility than someone who makes a ton of money from a more stable “boring” job.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpGz2MWRah0&w=584&h=390]

There are of course exceptions to this theory, but the basic gist implies that making a lot of money, similar to getting good grades, will generally render that person less interesting–they’re sititng at a desk in a suit all day, whereas a fashion assistant making significantly less money is actively shaping culture, and dictating what the deskman should be interested in.

Just as it was uncool to get straight As, society has decided that selling out for a stable, well paying job is also pretty unhip.

3. Gossip Doesn’t End, It Evolves

You may no longer talking about who lost their virginity to who, or who got way too drunk at Sophies party, but you’ll end up talking about things that are strikingly similar–like who just moved in with who, or who got way too drunk at Sophies party.

4. If You’re Attractive, You’ll Probably Do Well

Huge.

5. Reverse “Superior” Bullying

Back in high school, I recall the”nerdier” clan–those who you’d probably think got bullied by the brawny tough crowd–ganging up on the weaker portions of their cohort. I found this form of bullying to be way more devilish than the traditional “you suck” shtick exhibited by the sports crew. Since these smart people placed their self worth on being good critical thinkers, their bullying would come with a side of intellectual superiority. That, because of their association with AP Classes and Quiz Bowl, their viciousness was rooted in some sort of unquestionable validity.

Newflash: bullying is insecurity, immaturity, and fear of the unknown in word form. It’s kind of sad/hilarious that people do this in the real world, but it’s most definitely a pretty big thing. For proof, see half of twitter.

6. It’s Important To Get Invited To The Cool Parties

What’s that? You’re not invited to Hip&Happenin’ Digital’s 3rd Annual Summer Bash, featuring a premium open bar and a live performance from Imagine Dragons? Guess you’re worthless.

7. Getting The Right Date To Prom Is A Big Deal

Only this time, there’s a ring involved.