1. Take intelligent things your friends say, use them in conversations they’re not privy to, and conveniently fail to reveal the original proprietor.
2. Find a #deep internet article that’s at least 2000 words. Email it to a friend, complete with a subject header that makes it seem like you actually read it.
3. Buy a Rosetta Stone. Talk about how excited you are to start using it, even though it’s already been two weeks since the purchase.
4. Always have at least 3-5 places ready to go if asked to recommend a place for brunch.
5. Refer to your collection of books as your “library.” Bonus points if you’re wearing thick glasses at the same time.
6. Arrive to events slightly late. Always look healthily out of breath.
7. Have enough time to be a competent cook, yet also eat at every restaurant in your neighborhood/city.
8. Have a very negative attitude towards sleep, and imply that it is a huge hindrance to your personal brand.
9. Incorporate ridiculous phrases like “limousine liberals” into everyday conversation.
10. Have a contrarian opinion about a famous director, particularly if that director is Paul Thomas Anderson. Bonus points if you’re unable to back up your distaste with any real criticism.
11. Talk in one word sentences as much as you can, particularly if you can frame them in an aspirational, weirdly urgent manner. Achieve. This. Now.
12. Let everyone know how awkward and socially incompetent you are, but spend your weekends “somehow” hooking up with attractive, relatively desirable people.
13. Rule the G-chat world from your royal chamber of invisibility.
14. If your friend offers you coffee, only drink tea.
15. If your friend offers you tea, only drink coffee.
16. Even when you’re emailing from your laptop, sign off with a “Sent from iPhone.”
17. Talk about that time you went to a Jazz Club. If you didn’t go to a Jazz Club, just google one and read the website.
18. Upload very boring party pictures onto Facebook. Then, change them to black and white and add a fish lens.
19. At all times, look like you just returned from a “life changing” experience abroad–one that was so culturally immersive, it must be prefaced with the insinuation that no one else will really “get” what you just went through.
20. Spell words in British. (This adds some nice colour.)
21. Keep a blog that you don’t promote on any social feeds, but ensure that people find it organically and really really like it. Ensure that this blog has a significant following with hundreds of positive comments.
22. Create a trendy music festival in the middle of nowhere, have the Lumineers tweet about it, have everyone show up, then reveal it was simply a giant prank orchestrated with the help of Jimmy Kimmel.
23. Tell people how annoying it is that you don’t have time to go to the gym anymore. Be in really good shape anyway.
24. When people talk about bitcoins, be sure to nod your head vigorously to imply that you definitely agree with what they other person is saying–despite the fact that you both know he has zero idea what he’s actually saying.
25. Be completely unaware of the week’s latest viral trends. Talk about how great it was to be “unplugged” for a few days. In this case, temporarily confuse the word hours with days.
26. One up your friend’s accomplishment via your own social network. I.e., if your friend is really pumped that a director is looking at his screenplay, mention that you have a friend who just got signed to a talent agency and is probably gonna get his screenplay sold.
27. Be very particular about things that other people aren’t as particular about. I.e., travel 80 miles every four months to get your haircut, because Barbara is the only person who really knows how to do your hair. Your hair is more difficult than most people’s hair.
28. Know the ins and outs of Chipotle scheming.
29. Upon returning from a trip, note that you have a ton of awesome and crazy stories to tell. Be sure to never actually tell these stories, as it’s best to leave others in the insatiable purgatory of inflated expectations.
30. Brew your own beer, but only if it’s good enough to win the regional contest you’ve spammed all your Facebook friends into voting on.
31. Give advice that relies on sweeping generalizations and extremely vague premises to trick people into thinking you know what you’re talking about.
32. When in doubt, ignore interesting conversations in favor of staring determinedly at a brick wall.