The 7 Stages Of Binge Watching

As far as 2013 #progress goes, it’s been a banner year for binge watching. An incurable addiction no doubt, so it’s probably worth familiarizing yourself with the signs:

1. Hating Your Friend

As in, the friend who’s been parading around the apartment for the past three weeks not shutting the fuck up about how good Friday Night Lights is.

His or her exuberance, coupled with overhead shots of a Texas field occupying your television 3 hours per night, has slowly become the worst part of your living situation; one because of his newly adopted terrible Texas accent, but two because you were actually sort of interested in Friday Night Lights before Matt completely ruined it for you.

And if you start watching now, it means Matt wins. Can’t have that.

2. “Ok, Fine”

In which there is an evening when all your friends have other plans don’t exist, and you don’t know what to do with yourself. Getting more and more depressed by the perplexingly idiotic tweets that have consumed your timeline, Friday Night Lights seems like the best option to delay those inevitable thoughts of spending the rest of your life curled up into a functionless ball. FNL it is.

3. A Hipster Too Cool For Williamsburg

Much like someone who uses pistachio nut shells to add extra flair to his conquistador mustache whilst telling you that Bed Stuy is really where it’s at nowadays, you will actively resent the first few episodes of Friday Night Lights just to prove a point.

It’s not even close to as good as Mad Men!” you will say. And while you may be correct (really, what is?), your opinion will be more a function of letting Matt know that his taste in television is markedly inferior to yours, and how dare he thinks he’s more ahead of the curve than you. I mean, this is fucking Matt we’re talking about.

4. Just One Episode…

Much like the process by which you steal your roommate’s girl scout cookies (small amounts, and just this one time so they won’t ever notice), you will resort to watching another episode or two. That plotline between Lyla and Riggins has been really bugging you, and you rationalize that it’s not so much that you like the show, as you are curious as to how that plot point is gonna play out.

Basically, you’re like a boyfriend who makes fun of his girlfriend’s reality tv shows, but weirdly knows stuff about the cast that you’d only know about if you did some serious research. Like it or not, this is where you get hooked.

5. The Tiger Woods And Lindsey Vonn

Remember a few months back when Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn announced via Facebook that they were being sexual together? Likely a wise course of action given Tiger’s previous rawring and such, but the insinuation here is that there was a good amount of time where their relationship was completely private–that they didn’t feel it’d be a good move to notify the general public.

Here’s where you avoid Mr. Matthew like the plague, spending hours on hours shut up in your room on the ‘flix. This is most certainly a dangerous phase, so be sure to cover your tracks.

6. The Public Admission

If you can, avoid looking your roommate Matt Saracen in the eye upon telling him that yes he was right, Friday Night Lights is fantastic. (And says something about high school and middle america and personal growth in a way that no show has ever really done before.)

The smug glint you’ll be greeted with is sure to be basilisk-level lethal. Brace yourself like a Ned Stark meme.

7. Brian McKnight (Back At One)

Back in 1999, Brian McKnight completely revolutionized the listicle game with his jam Back At One–a song that, metaphorically speaking, argued what was beautifully explained in the Roger Allers/Rob Minkoff epic, The Lion King–that life, be it in listicle or beautiful African landscape form, is nothing more than a repetitive cycle.

As such, it is now your turn to parade around the apartment shouting Texas Forever. The next roommate awaits. TC mark

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