1. Quincy Tarantino
Spend three minutes with this fellow, and you’ll be deep into a conversation about the relationship between Stanley Kubrick and Banksy. Be sure not to have the wrong opinion about Paul Thomas Anderson!
2. The Deep Internetter
Have you ever wanted to spend your Friday night learning about a subreddit dedicated to dogs pretending to be USB cords? Look no further than the deep internetter.
Look slightly further, and you’ll notice she’s been documenting the party on a social network that’s exclusively for people who enjoy making lizard GIFS.
3. The Sideline DJ
“Ugh, this song?”
“I’m telling you…this guy…no fucking clue man.”
In addition to falsely thinking he can totally pull off the phrase “turnt up,” the sideline DJ will mistakenly assume that everyone else “in this joint” is also a huge fan of Hardwell’s entire discography.
Best to let this specimen exist in a permanent state of cluelessness. Explaining to him that only 3 other people give a shit about the music he likes would be way too devastating.
4. The Excessive Social Commentator
This is the fool who, instead of actually saying anything, goes up to people all like “so, how about this conversation starter!”
Likely frustrated with the way young humans have decided to socialize and court each other, the E.S.C. has opted to pursue a social strategy that’s decidedly “meta.”
5. The Libertarian
In addition to being right about everything that’s wrong with this country, this species has the uncanny ability to turn any conversational topic into a discussion about why we’d be a lot better off living in a night-watchman state predicated on a gift economy.
Is the line for the keg too long? Probably has something to do with marriage not being privatized.
6. The Current Event Bandwagoner
These are the people who did some quick Wikipedia-ing after Lou Reed died, realized that they totally knew who he was, and have since decided to dedicate this entire week to celebrating the life of the man that changed their outlook on retroactive cultural identity crafting.
Pour one out for James Gandolfini. Then, watch the first episode of The Sopranos.
7. The Energy Player
Be it SHOTS or FLIP CUP, this energy player is a necessary component of any party. (Let’s face it–if the party was exclusively filled with people like you, would you really want to go to that party?)
That said, getting stuck as his or her henchman is amongst one of the worst party sentences out there. Not only do you have to endorse his or her behavior, but you sort of have to echo it. Don’t tell me you’re not gonna take that shot, man. Don’t you fucking tell me that!”
/Sunday becomes completely ruined.
8. Niles Networker
Unnecessarily well-dressed, Niles Networker is only here to shake hands and interrogate you about how much you like your job. This way, when business brings you and Niles together in 7 years, Niles can note that you guys met at that party way back–like, before both of you were remotely serious about your careers.
(This makes Niles cooler than all the other schlubs in the conference room. Niles 42, Schlubs 0.)
9. The Superior Human
The George Constanza paradigm applies here, in the sense that it’s not them, it’s you.
Talking to people that are significantly more successful than you isn’t bad because they’re intolerable–it’s bad because they are so much better than you, that anything they ask you about will sound unintentionally condescending. This makes the superior person unnecessarily hate themselves, which intrinsically makes them even better for displaying a genuine sense of sympathetic social awareness.
10. The Premature Significant Other Dropper
The person who, within 30 seconds of the conversation, feels compelled to drop the my boyfriend or my girlfriend bombshell.
Certainly necessary at some point, but 30 seconds in implies that the only reason why anybody would talk to anyone is that so they could eventually have sex with that person. Which, while possibly true, is a pretty boring way to go about life. It also makes people who enjoy talking to other humans feel like giant creepazoids.
11. The Guy/Girl Who Is Off Limits
It’s not that you don’t want to talk to them–it might the opposite, actually. But you know that the longer and longer you delve into that debate between Landshark and Pacifico, the more dangerous the whole scenario becomes.
You’re then put in a position where you desperately need an out, which inevitably makes it seem like you are not enjoying a conversation you were actually very much into. Does abruptly ending a conversation you that shouldn’t have gone on this long…make you a dick?
12. Jon Favreau In I Love You, Man
He’s only at the party because his girlfriend dragged him there, thus rendering him more unpleasant than a children’s movie written by M. Night Shayamalan. Avoid at all costs.
13. Recent Breakup Reba
If someone you know has recently gone through a breakup, please consult the following equation:
60 minutes – Weeks Passed Since Breakup = Length Of Breakup Story
For sanity purposes, it’s best to avoid talking to this person for at least 6 months.
14. The Overambitious Wallflower
He or she is probably cool in real life, but turns into some sort of mysterious Jesse Eisenberg-esque robot once the party starts. Just kinda staring there, soaking it all in, fascinated by what’s going on around them. Maybe they’ll write a novel about this. Or better yet, a screenplay!
15. The Person You Spoke To For 5 Minutes At the Beginning Of the Party, And Is Now Way Too Sloppy, And Now Thinks You Are Best Friends
Because of that aformentioned convo, you are now best friends. My dude! he will say, making drunken laps around the room.
All in all, not a terrible guy. But being unable to match his enthusiasm for your newfound bond is way too disheartening. It’s only been two hours, and you’re already a terrible friend.