1. Basing other people’s self-worth off of their upbringing, or current living situation. There will be plenty of time for that once you reach 40. Now is the time to
have an open mind vote liberal.
2. Failing to realize that, after epiphanically discovering that all human actions should be treated with the highest degree of cynicism, not everything is rooted in an evil agenda. Because in actuality, only most things are.
3. In the months leading up to WARPED Tour, telling everyone that you’re really pumped to be going to WARPED Tour.
4. Assuming that not knowing some weird sexual term is endearing, due to your unbridled innocence. At this age, unbridled innocence is very much out. Exaggerating experience is in.
5. Making a big deal over someone being “Facebook Official.”
6. Assuming that the tourist attractions at any city gives you the real feel of that city.
7. Losing your voice at a One Direction concert.
8. ^Similarly, losing your voice doing anything other than coaching a sports team or being a certified woo girl.
9. Thinking that you’re always right. (I mean they’re definitely wrong, but…)
10. HARPing on anything for way too long. For now, just relax–you have two whole decades to become bitter and begin saying the word “curmudgeon.”
11. Exacting revenge on someone by physically attacking them. These days, it’s all about passive aggressive brooding, or subtly calling them out on the internet. I’m talking to you, Joe.
12. Continuing to let your jeans sag down to your knees, like a 14 year-old white kid hanging outside a mall.
13. Doing extremely over-the-top “first relationship” things–like celebrating your 3 week anniversary with a filet mignon and mashed potatoes shaped like hearts.
14. Deciding not to talk to people because you’re not sure if they’re “cool enough.” By age 21, you should have realized that approximately 0% of people are actually cool.
15. Watch television programming designed for nine year-olds. This is something you can get away with in high school, especially if you’ve got younger siblings (I did very much enjoy Drake and Josh), but enough is enough.
16. Holding off on certain errands because you’ve never done them before and don’t want to take the time to make that leap…Don’t refer to them as “errands,” though.
17. Trying as hard as you possibly can to impress people that deep down, you know you don’t like. I am of course talking socially. When it comes to the working world, you will be doing this for the rest of your life.
18. Crying, or getting unspeakably upset, about doing terribly on a test or quiz. At 20, you’ve lived enough life to know that unless its the LSAT, you’ll survive.
19. Reacting on impulse and emotion rather than taking the time to channel your emotion through a GIF on the internet.
20. Eating unhealthy, sugary cereals. Fruit Loops days are over bro.
21. Blaming external factors for why you were late to the grocery store and couldn’t pick up the charcoal. Either accept responsibility, or make up a ridiculous story that people have no choice but to believe out of sheer respect for the elaborateness of said story.
22. Viewing the world from exclusively your lens, particularly when interacting with those outside your “bubble.” Remember that pretty much everyone was raised in an environment incredibly different than your own.
23. Consuming food with a reckless abandon, without any real regard for long-term health issues.
24. Embracing the fact that you are unable to hold your liquor.
25. Similarly, basing your social worth solely on how fucked up you got last night.
26. Referring to things you find cool or exceptional as “sick.”
27. Spending other people’s money (read: your parents) in a way that they wouldn’t want you to spend it. Unless you’re the son of an oil tycoon, you probably didn’t need to order that incredibly pricey bear rug for your apartment. And even if you’re an oil tycoon’s son, why the fuck are you getting a bear rug.
28. Making purchases that you know you’ll hate yourself for making five minutes later. This is of course a crucial component of being human, but self-control at this age is a fiscal must.
29. Assuming that you know exactly what other people are thinking. Even if you do, projecting that makes you an arrogant blowhard and/or an internet writer.
30. Solely adhering to the sorts of superficial social protocols that Larry David would call out in a second. Sometimes it’s necessary to tell people that you’ll text them next week, but other times you might as well man up and be real for once. Authenticity seems to be huge at this age.
31. Listening to the same exact music you listened to in 8th grade without first qualifying it as some sort of nostalgic ode.
32. Actively choosing to spend your time in a way that knowingly doesn’t benefit your interests. Of course this is impossible in actuality–and when it comes down to it, I’d argue that everything, in some way, is a waste of time. But if you’re spending three full days on a grad school paper that’s worth 3% of your grade, you are most certainly doing “it” wrong.
33. Approach rules–unwritten or otherwise–as strict barriers. At this age, it’s important to realize there are some rules that are unnecessary and shouldn’t be followed, and some that definitely need to be there. Don’t be that dick who is “above the rules.” Or do, land in jail, and continue to keep prison guards employed.
34. Doing whatever everyone else is doing, only because everyone else is doing it.
36. Continuing to sleep in a twin bed. Unless you’re still wondering where your brother is.
37. Thinking you can get by solely on your talent. This of course is because by now you should’ve realized that you are barely talented, if at all.
38. Thinking that you telling other people how hard you’re working–via Facebook #grind updates and “still at the office” emails–merits some sort of aspirational superiority. As some rich dude in the first episode of How To Make It In America astutely noted, “Don’t tell me what you’re gonna do, show me what you’ve done, and then maybe finally I will write you that check.”
39. Continuing to make How To Make It In America references. (Note: not so much a “20’s” faux pas as a time-sensitive and #relevency gaffe.
40. Using Aeropostale, Abercrombie, or American Eagle to make a fashion statement.
41. Continuing to go trick or treating, even if you’re only doing so ironically. That ship has long since sailed–it’s like trying to board the S.S. Anne after defeating the Elite Four.
42. Exhibiting a poor social IQ in simple social situations–i.e., feeling the need to interrupt people at every turn.**
42a.** It’s definitely still essential that a few people still do this–its complete absence would prevent future husbands and wives from bonding, and eventually falling in love, over mutual disdain for their peers.
43. Assuming you’re the only one who is insecure and unsure of themselves. At this age, all of that is actually part of the contract you sign in order to continue breathing.
44. Functioning effectively without slightly abusive use of a stimulant–be it coffee, tea, or horse tranquilizers.
45. Heavily consuming alcohol WITHOUT making proper use of water, gatorade, or other substances that mitigate the damage done by poisoning your body.
46. Still charmingly brag to people about your inability to cook food. And if you are in fact that hopeless, start with pasta.
47. Settling for the friend-zone without doing anything about it. Again, much easier said than done, and most certainly terrible advice if the person who’s friendzoning you comes from means, and can get you a job that’ll slowly compromise your interest in improving the world and instead slowly teach you how to properly look down on others.
48. Continuing to take advantage of your friends without internally acknowledging that you aren’t exactly the best person.
50. Putting off your real life passion cause you figure you’ll tackle it eventually. Time is running out when it comes to “having plenty of time.”
51. Taking everything completely for face value, without that oh-so important grain of salt. Because your taste buds begin to wane, you’re really gonna need that salt.