1. At one point in the not so distant past, you were all psyched about waking up early and tackling that big screenplay before work. Hah.
2. Upon seeing someone posting motivational/positive sentiment on social media, they are automatically a fraud.
3. The most minute, inconsequential things are making you really angry. But you’re having an incredibly tough time caring about stuff of actual magnitude.
4. Some people complain about having too many thoughts. You have a hard time mustering up even one.
5. When wine spills on the carpet, you’re now past the point of remotely giving a shit.
6. Aloe Blacc says “wake me up when it’s all over. when I’m wiser and I’m older.” You agree, but that second part sounds like a cruel joke.
7. You see people like those in the music video above, doing big thangs while also being the same age as you. This is too baffling to even think about.
8. You’ve devolved into “guy who sneakily cops crumbs off of other people’s plates.” Not where you thought you’d be at this point.
9. Similarly, you’ve stopped trying to project what you’ll be doing in a year from now. You’re not sure whether or not this is because you’re scared, or because that you’re scared that know exactly how that shit’s gonna play out.
10. Your refrigerator invitation slop pile hasn’t been cleaned out in 2 years. It’s actually been so long, that one of the upcoming marriages on there is probably gonna be over any day now.
11. You’ve started walking around the house, executing daily tasks using the voice of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings
12. You’ve been going to the bathroom a lot. Though only because it’s a thing to do.
13. You’re so overdue for an oil change/general maintenance for your car, you’re pretty sure it’s got emphysema.
14. You’ve gotten insanely good at refreshing webpages.
15. To qualify your impressive commitment to complete and utter laziness, you like to tell people that you “literally have no idea what you did today.”
16. You’ve picked up smoking solely so you’ve got an excuse to get out of the office 3 times a day.
17. Gym was the plan. Gym was the plan.
18. Your bartender knows, in exact sequence, the four things you are going to order. Not the plan.
19. The devil on your shoulder who tells you that you’re young and who gives a fuck is currently on a twelve game winning streak over the voice of reason who keeps telling you to put that money in savings.
20. That 3 day old pizza grease is having a grand ole’ time hanging out on your nightstand.
21. The clothes on your bedroom floor seem like they’re primed to turn into a next-level manifestation of that shit monster from Dogma.
22. A good portion of the day is you staring at the screen, forgetting what it was you were about to do.
23. It’s pretty impressive your apartment doesn’t have rats.
24. Your roommates have stopped asking you how your day was out of sheer fear.
25. Coffee has decided to be all like Charmander trying to fight Onyx. (Not very effective.)
26. Your Netflix account has gone on strike–demanding that you pay it overtime.
27. You’re totally gonna get around to making that to-do list. Totally.
28. You haven’t picked up your cleaners in a few days…you tell yourself that it’s because you can’t spare the $20, but it’s actually because 3 blocks away is way too fa away.
29. You’ve lost count as to how many days in a row you’ve worn this same pair of jeans.
30. Productivity = Closely observing your eye mucus.
31. Despite knowing full well what day it is, you think asking people what day it is gives you some sort of strange credibility.
32. You’ve thought about making a running/energy/workout playlist. You’ve thought about it long and hard. And finally, after all that thinking, you thought about it some more.
33. You can’t even distinguish between what is and what isn’t a genuine yawn anymore.
34. Every day can easily be a mental health day.
35. Instead of memorizing the numbers for the report next Tuesday, you’ve memorized 3 different commercials from your Pandora.
36. You’ve told at least 4 different people that “this is the week you’re gonna finally get it together.”
37. Last week. That was what you told people last week.