We live in a world where people do jobs in exchange for chemical compounds, and then give other people a good portion of those chemical compounds in order to dwell in arbitrary indoor spaces that overlook really nice parks.
Sometimes, these jobs are super demanding. Here are 26 signs that you are becoming one of those people that other people whisper about because they’re afraid you’ll end up (possibly) rich and alone:
1. You’ve willingly ceased doing what you once valued as a crucial aspect of human #excellence–gym, cooking, sleep–because that is the price of achieving your dreams.
2. You’re literally on call at all times, something that you find both invigorating and terrifying.
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3. For better or for worse, your extracurricular interests (i.e., podcasts, reading certain publications), have all become incorporated into your workday.
4. When socializing with one co-worker and other non-coworkers, you unintentionally steer the conversation towards that email Mark sent. You feel bad for alienating the others, but…how can you not? What a RIDICULOUS email.
5. If you were presented with a free Wednesday afternoon, you’d have zero idea what to do with yourself, given that you forgot Wednesday afternoons were a thing.
6. You haven’t figured out how to say no without harboring a very real fear of getting fired. Which is why it’s 9pm on a Friday, and you’ve removed yourself from the pregame to look over some shitty document no one’s gonna look at till Monday.
7. Your main homies are your co-workers. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s a thing.
8. You’ve come to embrace the workmanlike slogans of companies like Dunkin Donuts, and inexplicably revel in the psychology behind caffeine literally “fueling” your productivity.
9. You know weird facts about your office building that no one else does (i.e., the landlord was a professional boxer 30 years ago), because the office is basically your home.
10. When you have to leave early, everyone else in the office is legitimately shocked.
11. You can write a 20,000 word manifesto on your co-worker’s lunch hour habits.
12. You hear of people attending 6pm concerts, watching daytime TV shows, and you literally can’t fathom how that’s even possible.
13. The highlight of your month may have been that email from management notifying you that the bathroom on your floor is finally getting redone.
14. You’d meet your friend for afternoon coffee, but there are way too many busy-business meetings:
15. You dread hearing the question “how was your weekend?”
16. Some people go crazy over TMZ and celebrity news. But that’s nothing compared to your workplace gossip.
17. When interacting with people outside of work, you realize they won’t get about 78% of the references you’re about to make.
18. You used to tell yourself you’d take that sweet trip to Dublin in a year’s time. When it got to be six months away, you realized it’d make more sense to wait till January. By the time January rolled around, you accepted the fact that you’re probably not gonna end up going to at least 70% of the places you wanted to…at least not for the next two decades. Sad, but you take solace in the fact that you’re too busy doing #bigthings.
19. You give people your work number/email as opposed to your personal one, because they’ve become one in the same.
20. You hate when people ask you what you do, because there’s no way you can give them a proper answer in under 20 minutes. And talking about your job for that long makes you the 2nd biggest tool on the planet. (The first biggest is whatever pop-culture reference you see fit…I would provide you with one, but I am not here to make an enemy out of Seth Green.)
21. You find this clip “so true”:
22. You’ve convinced yourself that the term “work-life balance” is some outdated slang term from the 20s.
23. Your humor has devolved into something that’s so embarrassingly industry-specific, that not even a GIF of Kristen Wiig’s character in Bridesmaids looking all sad at her closed up bakery could sum up how you feel.
24. You don’t believe in half-measures. If you’re supposed to do a job, you are gonna do that job. It’s a pride thing.
25. You actually love your job, and the fact that you’ve tricked someone into giving you money for doing this is beyond a miracle.
26. The thing above. Stick it out, and you’ll get there. Allegedly.