1. Your friends are past the point of trying to figure out what happened. For worse or for worse, this new you is here to stay.
2. Having an 8am class the next morning was never a problem. Now, having a “coffee thing” at 1pm might be a dealbreaker.
3. Cancellations are cause for celebration. (for a proper summation, go to the 3:20 mark below:)
4. You used to be pissed at your phone for never vibrating. Now, that’s your worst nightmare.
5. You can write a 3,000 word essay on the pros and cons of the various sitting styles/areas on your couch.
6. You haven’t exactly sworn off alcohol. But you are most certainly terrified by it.
7. Clarence from It’s A Wonderful Life notes that “every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.” Which is also what happens whenever there’s a new delivery menu under your door.
8. When going out, the thing you are most excited to tell people out/bore them with is the grueling, arduous process that was your latest futon purchase.
9. Your lack of ambition in one facet of life has slowly infiltrated all the others. Cubicle life = slow death.
10. Reorganizing a shelf has a pretty good chance of being the highlight of your week.
11. Your biggest investment may very well be your next pair of sweatpants.
12. Becoming a famous singer was once your pipe dream. Now, your pipe dream is a life where you’d never move from bed, and watch the Travel Channel and the Food Network for the rest of eternity.
13. You’re thrilled you no longer have to hop in the car to rent a movie–something that has very little to do with the fact that you’ve now got thousands of movie options right at your fingertips, and a lot to do with that “hopping in the car” part.
14. Too many harrowing life experiences have left you more emotionally numb than New Brian:
15. You purposely don’t keep your phone on you around the house, due to the following riddle: If a friend texts to go out, but you don’t read that next until 3 hours later, did you really get that text?
16. Just looking at younger people having fun is exhausting.
17. On weekend nights, neighbors angrily knock on your door to tell you they’ll call the cops if you keep blasting music–which is what you do when you’re folding laundry.
18. A few years ago, you probably would’ve called this sort of existence a “slump.” But now, you’re totally cool with it being your batting average.
19. A few years back, you swore you’d never turn into one of those people whose idea of raucous fun is commenting on how good the brie is at a wine & cheese party. Little did you know, the brie is TO DIE FOR.
20. Your favorite/the world’s greatest sake bombing/karaoke bar–specifically located on 21st and P St. in Dupont Circle in Washington DC–has closed down for good, and it feels weirdly symbolic.
21. Your microwave is one of your top 5 most valuable possessions.
22. There was this old MLB playoff campaign centered around the concept “I live for this.” Which is how you feel about book club.
23. You talk about watching re-runs of The A Team on TBS with an excitement worthy of someone who just returned from a trip out of the country.
24. As we all know, the reason you’re a lot less fun is because you’ve gotten locked down.
25. And if not by another person, by the crippling reality that you. are. old.