1. Tell every single person you’ve ever met about that very exciting thing you’re working on. If you talk about something enough, it magically gets done.
2. If a task seems too insurmountable, make use of the tried and true “I didn’t do the reading, but I memorized a sentence that sounded important so it looks like I did the reading” college lecture tactic. Basically, figure how you can be an iceberg with no bottom.
3. Wear glasses. The thicker the rims, the better. People will think that you’re smarter than you are, and that you know a lot about David O. Russell films. Laziness is all about perception. As is being a tool.
4. People who write books and dub themselves “experts” generally say you should set small, manageable goals for yourself. Definitely do that, but also set small, manageable consequences for not doing tasks. I.e., if you don’t get out of bed to floss, you’re banned from brushing your teeth for the next two days. If this sounds more like a reward than a consequence, kindly remove yourself from this earth.
5. Do the Pomodoro Technique. One, because it works. Two, because my friend Ben will triumphantly fist-pump if he ends up reading this. Ben has a real solid triumphant fist-pump game.
6. Go on Facebook, and do some deep Facebooking of three people you haven’t really thought about since high school. See where they’re currently at. This should be all the motivation you need.
7. Watch one of those really inspiring movies that makes you think “OK, my shitty work ethic stops right now.” This is the Cialis of getting your work done. If your motivation lasts for more than four hours, definitely don’t call a doctor–instead, celebrate the miracle.
8. Break your computer. You may need it to get stuff done, but at least you won’t be distracted anymore! Half the battle.
9. Get a consistent amount of sleep, and try to wake up at the same time every day. This will #condition your biological clock in a way that will ensure you magically wake up at 8:30 am and stare at your apartment window like a productive person.
10. Don’t anchor yourself to people around you–i.e., a roommate who’s always doing shit, or another roommate who spends all day playing FIFA. Trying to get on someone else’s level may prove to be a bit too stressful (and thus, compromise quality of work), while stooping down to one’s level generally means you’ll get really good at eating Dominos.
11. Start eating salad. Not only do you get to tell people that you’re really getting into salads (huge in 2013), but salads have long been rumored to be the cause of getting insane amounts of cleaning done, or “thinking about going for a run.”
12. Make a motivational playlist that you’d be embarrassed to reveal to the general public. Make sure it’s AT LEAST 50 songs; you’ll be able to pass it off as “productive procrastination,” and it’ll prevent you from having to make another one three days from now.
13. Buy new clothes–the clothes make the man, and the man is currently wearing a shirt with 7 permanent coffee stains.
14. People always say to visualize your success. I don’t think that’s a good idea, because what you’re really doing is picturing a douchier version of you hanging out on a rooftop bar. My advice then, is to visualize your failure. Being 2 steps removed from homelessness is for sure motivating.
15. Get a haircut. Haircuts are great for people looking for other people to comment on their new haircut — huge for when trying to cultivate “the new you.”
16. Life Rule #321 — When in doubt, consult Chumbawamba:
17. Pray. And definitely don’t take responsibility for your failures.