1. The Married/Engaged Couple
The “first people you really know” to get married, the couple will be greeted to great fanfare, as the party is probably being held at the very apartment one of them used to live in.
All in all, the MC or EC will find the party more grueling than keeping up the facade of “loving” little-known bands at music festivals. Between answering wedding questions for the zillionth time, enduring jabs from their insecure and jealous friends, and maintaining that same 65% smile for three consecutive hours, they’ll slowly begin to realize why married couples in their mid-late 20’s retreat into their one bedroom closet and never leave. Best wait till a few other friends make the matrimonial plunge. Being the de facto center of social attention is exhausting.
Best Bet: Perpetually trying to capitalize on a good “out” to remove themselves from the current conversation.
2. The “Man” Renouncer
Why get a job when you could wear a scarf, a cool beret, and talk about that influential “take control of your life” book that inspired you to quit your job, spend a month self-discovering at Joshua Tree, and embark on a new clean energy initiative backed entirely by some trust funder you bought shrooms from while enlightening yourself? Do you really have control over your life?
Best Bet: Holding court in a corner of the party, doing the 5 minute “you’re totally unhappy and need to quit your job” pitch to anyone who will listen.
In non-abbrevs, this translates to Friends With Benefits On The Brink.
Always heartbreaking to see exciting and casual flings hit their inevitable emotional wall, but such is what happens when your names aren’t Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. The mid-20’s party, the very place where the cig matches were spiritedly lit, will also be the place where it all unravels.
Best Bet: The non emotionally attached one, making a statement by targeted flirting. The emotionally attached one, brooding in the corner saying “fuck this” 10x per hour.
4. The Energy Player
The energy player is your friend who isn’t quite in your main rotation, but is a constant boon to parties given his or her natural talents to bring shit up a level. In this stage of life, the energy player likely has impressive access to drugs, and will hook you up out of the goodness of his or her heart. (Despite you having zero desire or intention to take said drugs.)
Best Bet: On a rooftop, engrossed in a completely platonic 70-minute long conversation with someone he/she just met, spilling heavily eye-brow raising personal stories like it’s no big thang.
5. The Peter Bretter
Jason Segel’s character from Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a bit older than 26; but his struggle is highly identifiable.
Reeling from an abrupt, unexpected end to a multi-year relationship that was supposed to end up with 3 kids and an above ground pool, emotional mess Peter Bretter will heed the advice of his more destructive friend and try to sleep with anything that moves. It’s not him, meaning it’s unbearably painful to watch.
Best Bet: Actin’ a fool on the makeshift dance floor. Not endearingly.
6. Frost Yourself
Likely in sales, this man’s general bravado strongly resembles that of Matthew McConaughey’s slick-talking Ben Barry character in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.
This homie, a true social butterfly, will capitalize on his unprecedented Facebook friend count by rubbing elbows with every last person who walks into the party. And given that “knowing everyone” is for some reason an incredibly desirable trait, this hot commodity will end the night with someone who probably won’t be thrilled with herself the next morning.
Best Bet: Doing that “I see you” point from across the room, effectively alerting the entire party that you two are temporarily superior for having engaged in prior interactions.
7. The Texting Trio
A dominant force in their early 20’s, the texting trio is now on their last legs–the holy triumvirate of “serious relationship,” “always single”, and “the glue” is beginning to topple upon itself as the first one veers closer towards the big, bad M. But they’ll still hold out for the Frost Yourself types, if only to pay tribute to their glory days in Murray Hill:
Best Bet: Not looking up to acknowledge approaching undesirables.
8. The Superior Couple
They have their shit together in some way only they know, meaning that most of the time is spent looking down at all the other poor, unfulfilled folk failing miserably in their fruitless quest for self-actualization and emotional solace. Peasants!
Best Bet: Glancing at each other. Knowingly
9. The “Creative” Douche
Unsure if his or her delayed gratification strategy is gonna work out, this person takes out temporary financial and lack of life-milestone insecurities by turning the entire event into an elaborate social commentary to reveal hard, possibly depressing truths about the human condition.
Best Bet: Circumventing questions when various people ask if a particular person in an internet article was based on them.