1.Plain White Tees
As an undershirt. As “the shirt before the shirt.” As THE shirt.
Tightly medium, to connote alternative music tastes. Properly large, to connote being en route to the deli following a serious hangover. Goofily XL, to connote streetball skills.
You cannot go wrong with the Plain White Tee–even when you inevitably stain it with coffee. That’s a real hard “I’ve lived life” stain.
Note: Crew over V in most scenarios. This is because most scenarios aren’t hookah bars.
2. Not Eating Breakfast
Much of the “get your life together” 20’s narrative revolves around why it’s majorly croosh to eat breakfast on the reg.
As someone who frequently mounts his internet soapbox to say this very thing, I will not go against my prior stance and be all John Kerry-like. As the former mid-level dealer Slim Charles once said, “Once you in it, you in it. If it’s a lie, then we fight on that lie. But we gotta fight.”
HOWEVER, the reason why eating a good breakfast is such a big deal is because we often times skip it, only to douse our hunger and midday misery in a Burrito Bol. We’re incredibly apt at pulling this off. Meaning that if you’re in a pinch, don’t make scene. You’ll live.
3. Shattering Previous Binge Watching Records
“I’m only gonna watch 3 episodes of Mad Men today. Then I’m done.”
4. Making It Appear They’re Working A Lot Harder Than They Actually Are
Have you ever seen a 25 year-old dude at work? Imagine for a second that you’ve just been taken hostage by the girls from Spring Breakers, and in order to survive you have to correctly name 4 out of 6 windows a normal 25 year-old working dude currently has up on his browser. I’d advise you guess:
His “work” (powerpoint, excel, google doc, etc.)
Fantasy Football message board
Email chain about fantasy football
Dumb shitty youtube video sent by friend atop his gchat power rankings
“Class of the 2000s” Pandora. For bonus points, the song currently playing is probably Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me”
IMDB page of a random actor he just thought about for the first time in 3 years.
5. A Snapback Hat
The difference between “looking fly” and “pulling it off” is a lot like the difference between red delicious and granny smith apples; somewhat the same, but actually not at fucking all.
Some dude-homies will look superfly in the snap; others will merely look passable. That said, passable is the mark to strive for nowadays–they say the expectations of millennials are way too high and unrealistic. We’ve gotta aim low. Peter LaFleur real talk.
The beauty of the snap is that if you’re not a frontwards guy, you could go to the back. Or the side. Or the side-back. Or the side-front. It’s like the movie selection on HBO on demand. Oscar winners to Parental Guidance.
With the snap, the laws of math and physics are your oyster.
6. Holding It In When There’s A Really Long Line At The Bar
These days, going to the bar is less an exercise in asserting social dominance and more an exercise in bladder endurance. Holding off on breaking the seal is always the way to go, but that seal always has it’s way of unraveling the second we leave the house and hop into the car/subway/cab/unicycle.
As if lighting a quarter of our paychecks on fire wasn’t enough fun, we’ve also gotten really good at causing our kidney’s everlasting pain.
7. Being An Unnecessary Enigma When It Comes To Their Feelings
If we texted her back right away, it would be unbecoming. If we texted back in the proper time range, it’d eventually get boring. When we text back too late, we’re terrible.
When we don’t text back at all, are we still alive?
Best to engage, with increasingly unpredictability, in all of these strategies. Also, best to never indicate how and what you’re actually feeling…that would insinuate that you yourself, actually know.