Yesterday, Chelsea wrote a piece about silly things us male homedawgs do in order to try and #woo members of the opposite sex. Like most of Chelsea’s work, it was quite funny in that true, dead on, holy shit, this is what society has turned us all into sort of way.
It was also the type of piece that inevitably posed a lot of questions. I decided to answer:
1. Poorly-timed “demonstrations of talent.”
Chelsea’s Take: “Nah, bro, don’t pick up that acoustic guitar. Everyone’s having a good time, there’s no need to rotate yourself 45 degrees and start breathily performing ‘Wonderwall’ in the general direction of the girl with the tight sweater.”
Lance’s Take: The acoustic guitar bro is a specimen that seems to have wholly transcended traditional fad and trend cycles. For this, Kudos. For his default choice to always seem to be playing Wonderwall, kudos. Wonderwall is one of the top 5 songs of all-time, and Liam Gallagher is a name you could tell other people in order to sound impressive.
Like anything though, this is a tragedy of social IQ. Know when to use the acoustic guitar, and know when to keep it in the case. Unprovoked at parties is a mating death sentence. Provoked at parties, and you’re a real winner. We’re guys, so we don’t always get this part. Remember, we’re dumb.
2. Dick Pics.
Chelsea’s Take: “But at no point in history has the first (or any) step to wooing an unsuspecting young lady been to stand in front of the world’s most depressing bathroom mirror, place your dick jauntily atop the counter, and, holding up your iPad like the cookie sheet of male sadness that it is, take your picture.”
Lance’s Take: On the whole, I find dick pics to be a highly ineffective marketing strategy. It’s like seeing the ending of a movie without all the sweet special effects that make it a good ending in the first place, AND expecting that people will still be impressed with the ending of said movie.
Unless your dick is like what Justin Timberlake is in life (Creative Director for Callaway Golf), this is never a good call.
3. Uncomfortable insertion of impressive information.
Chelsea’s Take: “Either the topic comes up naturally, or it doesn’t get addressed at all, but there is no reason to take the Most Materially Impressive Thing About You and wedge it into a conversation. It is the linguistic equivalent of trying to fit into a pair of jeans that is about two sizes too small; it just never looks good on anyone.”
Lance’s Take: As guys, we are naturally insecure. You hold all the power, in the sense that the majority of courtship boils down to us saying “may I?” and you usually laughing in our faces.
Courtship then, is basically just a guy trying to change a girl’s mind. And in order to do that, it sometimes helps to note that we work in finance, or that we’ve managed to maintain peak physical condition through a steady diet of cauliflower and motivational quote inhalation.
Of course, it’s all about dropping the jewels at the right time. Timing is key, but in our insecure rush to make sure you haven’t yet abandoned all hope, we can sometimes force the issue.
4. Weird “Pick Up Artist” Tactics.
Chelsea’s Take: “We know you learned that shit in a book, because it is not the kind of behavior a human being would ever naturally engage in without explicit instruction.”
Lance’s Take: Hah. Yea, there is a book. And guys who read it are actually quite normal, and just like you and me. Ok, just like you.
But you have to remember that life is about survival, survival is about making money, and making money is about convincing other people they need things that they may or may not need. Hence, a book. And I’m guessing the guy who wrote the book–in addition to being perpetually 33 and somehow not a complete turnoff to women when it’s revealed that he’s a professional seducer of the very person he’s seducing–wrote about the things he did those 8 times he got with a girl. So it’s gotta be rooted in something.
5. Penis worship.
Chelsea’s Take: “No one cares how much of an emotional saga your relationship with your wiener is. Either it’s on the small-to-average side, in which case you bring it up about 1058293875928375 times more than anyone would ever notice on their own, and therefore turn the sexual encounter into a wound-soothing marathon; or you are enamored with its size to the point that all other sexual prowess or curiosity has flown directly out the window and the overall attitude has become ‘Yeah, girl, I could have had any cooter in the tri-state area but I chose yours. You’re welcome.'”
Lance’s Take: When I first read that, my mind immediately went to some sort of strange penis sanctuary where groups of Bros go and worship and then say weird, vague statements like that guy in the temple in the sixth season of LOST. Something out of a Superbad sequel. With Bill Murray somehow involved.
6. Excessive bragging about their oral sex skills.
Chelsea’s Take: “Noooooooooooooooooooooo. Please do not go on and on about how good it is. Let that shit be a pleasant surprise.”
Lance’s Take: Listen, every guy is really good at oral sex. Like, the best. Like, you have no idea what I’m about to do until I…ah, I see your point.
7. Aggressive chivalry.
Chelsea’s Take: “But when it gets taken to the level where every last gender norm while on a date is aggressively insisted upon, and there is no room for just being like, “Hey, it’s cool, I’ll pick up the check,” it’s super uncomfortable. No one wants to feel like chivalry is some strange, latently sexual competition for who can be the Most Extreme Gentleman, particularly when all parties involved are capable adults who enjoy paying for things or opening doors from time to time.”
Lance’s Take: IDK, dude. While the 2013 internet mafia sometimes advocates men to be more like Lord Varys (fine, sometimes necessary, men are dogs), trying to figure out the proper amount of chivalry is oftentimes so difficult, it’s like there should be an entire book about it that also explains courtship rules in general.
But for serious, over the line to some girls is under the line for others–the chiv meter is just about as ambiguous as the future dating, financial, and general prospects of a 20-something who can’t find a steady job and therefore resolves to spend all their time reading blog posts about the role of chivalry in 2013. Also, guys are genetically wired to always pay on the first date. If you want otherwise, you should tell us.
Actually, just tell us exactly what we have to do. That’s the only reason why we put on the whole song and dance in the first place. Acoustic guitar sometimes included.