1. When it’s all said and done, you have like $5 to spend in the first place.
2. When people recommend cool, trendy restaurants for you to go to, your pleasant nod impressively masks what you’re really feeling–that life is just a cruel, sick joke.
3. You hype up staying in out of necessity.
4. You didn’t start from the bottom. But your “here” suddenly doesn’t seem too far away from the bottom.
5. You’re starting to say things like “I’ve been destroying the leftover game,” and “If it wasn’t Trader Joes, I don’t know what I would do.”
6. You’ve become one of those people who gets really infatuated with the security deposit.
7. Keeping track of your expenses isn’t so much exhausting; it’s just depressing.
8. You keep your long-since expired student ID at the forefront of your wallet. Need those rates. Need to be a deceiving douchebag who cheats people out of money. (Note: there’s a decent chance they’re doing the same to you, so it’s ok.)
9. You look at prices for clothes, and wholeheartedly wonder how anybody under the age of 28 has ever been able to buy clothes.
10. When eating out, you spend the end of meals furtively eying your friend’s checks in desperate hope that they aren’t severely overtipping.
11. Also when eating out, your favorite foods have suddenly become the foods that aren’t in the truly terrifying $16-25 range.
12. You’re a pro at pulling the old “use your parents money for a shared task, and have your friend chip in for the cost of that task.” Like clockwork.
13. You don’t date. Bad for your budget.
14. One of the worst days of your life will be the day you’re no longer on your parent’s cellphone plan.
15. Sunday is your designated day to lock yourself in your apartment, and pledge that you’re not going to spend more than X dollars for the entire week. The subsequent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday are banner days for your frugality. Thursday is not.
16. You’re strongly considering dropping certain “expensive” friends due to their unhealthy fiscal upkeep.
17. One shot at the bar is about the size of your nightly budget. You bought four.
18. People are beginning to notice that you’ve been wearing the same three “going out shirts” for the past three years.
19. You get very excited upon receiving emails for great alumni events that would probably really help you in your quest to be that person you always thought you’d be. Your heart sinks when they cost $125,
20. Airline Fares = Public Enemy Number One
21. Amtrak Fares = Public Enemy Number Two
22. “It actually wasn’t that bad!” – You, telling everyone about the Megabus you just spent 7 hours on.
23. You find yourself somewhat resenting yourself for being dumb enough to follow your dreams instead of gunning for paycheck that would let you buy fresh mozzarella. Of course, you don’t actually. Yet.
24. Chipotle has become a luxury. But the extra guac is out of the question.
25. You actually aren’t sure if you’re able to spare some change.
26. If your coffeemaker breaks, it’s time to give up.
27. When it comes to maintaining your bank account balance, best just to close your eyes and hope for the best.
28. You constantly feel like you’re legitimately missing out on seminal life events due to the fact that shelter and feeding yourself have to happen.
29. You constantly feel like you’re about to start missing out on seminal life events, because you couldn’t not go out last night. Living your life consistently seems to be a dumb move.
30. Planning a vacation is significantly more stressful than that vacation is relaxing. Actually you only assume that, because you haven’t ever paid for your own vacation.
31. You stay late at the office not to get work done or appear impressive. You stay late at the office because there are free snacks, and no one’s there to judge you.
32. You’ve thought about doing a “homeless test run,” so if it actually happens you’ll be a bit more prepared.
33. You’ll never resort to selling drugs, but shit would that fix everything.
34. Why are candy bars $1.50? It’s a fucking butterfinger.
35. You’ve turned into that asshole who doesn’t buy candy for halloween.
36. You really need to man up and walk the five blocks to the cheap liqour store. The 12 packs at CVS are killing you.
37. All your money concerns are stressing you out to the point where you might need a therapist. You then consult the internet to find out how much money you need to pay for a therapist.
38. You consider buying food at the movie theater/a concert/a sports game the 9th circle of hell.
39. The prospect of being more “successful” than your parents is becoming increasingly laughable.
40. You’ve come to terms that success isn’t defined by how deep your pockets are. Though this is mostly out of personal convenience.