1. Talking in english, as opposed to that weird abbrev slang that even you don’t entirely understand.
2. Purposely never coming to an actual resolution whenever your roommates are all like “we should totally chip in for a cleaning service.”
3. W.M.C. (Wine Menu Comprehension.)
4. Resolving to keep a calendar, putting a bunch of shit on that calendar, and then somehow forgetting that you were really committed to keeping a calendar. Repeat cycle every three months.
5. Continually drinking milk/orange juice straight from the carton.
6. Refusing to own a computer screen that’s NOT equipped with 47 layers of impenetrable dust.
7. Investing in weather-appropriate items–like your own sunscreen, or snow boots.
8. Taking any sort of step towards fixing the futon that’s been broken for the last 5 months.
9. Your apartment’s guarantor.
10. Failing to purchase a bedframe for
weeks months. Eventually resolving to go Full McNulty with the bare mattress.
11. Putting off your much-needed visit to the laundromat until tomorrow, because getting on shoes and a sweatshirt is way too much of a deal.
12. Putting off your much-needed visit to the laundromat for the forseeable future, because…c’mon.
14. Finally resolving to go to the laundromat, because wearing the same pair of socks multiple days in a row is without a doubt a new low.
15. Accepting the fact that happy hours and casual social encounters have slowly devolved into an escalating series of white lies.
16. Accepting the fact that there was a glaring inconsistency with that last lie you told, and that the acquaintance you’re talking to now knows the truth.
17. Regaining the ability to dissect important news stories via your brain, rather than those ever so popular “as explained by” internet things.
18. Barely even considering getting a hotel when traveling to visit a friend.
19. Forgetting to bring a towel while staying at this friend’s place…since he/she is clearly just as stagnated, no chance they’ve got a clean towel.
20. Actually reading the terms and conditions that you’ve just accepted. (This epidemic ranges anywhere from a recent iTunes update to an offer letter for a full-time job.)
21. When confronted with an issue that demands conflict resolution, relying on emojis as your primary means of attack.
22. If you’re not a car person, failing miserably in terms of consistently getting oil changes, inspection renewals, etc.
23. If you are a car person, putting your extreme obsession with your car above essential tasks–like washing that body of yours that now permanently smells like petroleum.
24. Eating out way too much, to the point where part of your drunken weekend routine includes telling people how you really need to stop eating out so much.
25. Citing apps like Venmo for the reason you never write checks…with the hope that this will hide your unaddressed phobia of writing a check.
26. Taking 4-5 hours to set up coffee tables from IKEA.
27. Not even thinking about investing in household accessories, like a cheese platter. Or cups that weren’t stolen from your college dining hall.
28. Talking incessantly to people about your “personal growth.”
29. Opting to watch The Big Lebowski instead of putting on glasses and getting that side-project started. Particularly noteworthy given that you’ve seen The Big Lebowski approximately 34 times.