20 Reasons Why Non-Football Fans Should Be Excited For The Return Of Football

1. It’s now MUCH easier to manipulate your significant other into doing things he/she otherwise wouldn’t do – simply threaten to schedule the unavoidables on a Sunday.

2. Football is a built-in excuse to eat timeless American delicacies like nachos, wings, and giant tubs of blue cheese.

3. For five months of the year, your alcoholism will go largely unnoticed. Just make sure to stand close to a television.

4. Vast, beautiful new stretches of “me-time” every Sunday. Now you know how Columbus must’ve felt the first time he saw America.

5. Football jerseys are in. You can buy one, or you can wear the one you’ve already got. Can’t go wrong.

6. If a guy or girl you’re into likes football, you’ve got an automatic conversation starter. (This especially helps with the jersey as a signifier). Say the word “Gronk” to get the conversation going, watch the eyes widen with flirtatious intrigue then change the subject as you please.

7. The amount of uniformed, overly zealous political banter that’s recently been plaguing your friend group will finally excuse itself from the dinner table.

8. There’s a 31/32 chance someone you hate will end the season bitter and disappointed.

9. Other Sunday destinations–bookstores, sweet hole in the wall record shops, and critically-acclaimed taco stands–will be significantly less crowded.

10. If you’re not into the football-loving type, Sundays are basically a federally-mandated house-arrest. Steer clear of most American homes and bars, and you’re golden.

11. If you ARE into the football-loving type, you’ll know exactly where to find them.

12. Signs like “Gone to the Game” get displayed in storefronts, leading all of us to believe that we’re living in a nostalgiac fever dream where people wear bowler hats and still stand for something.

13. If you don’t want to text someone back, its very easy to blame it on “the game.”

14. Watching people get riled up about fantasy football is one of the purest forms of entertainment out there.

15. Everyone will be too busy watching football to notice that you’ve resorted to sneaking in mouthfuls three-month old cake.

16. The drink specials are OFF THE CHAIN. As in, completely dissociated from the chain.

17. Most of the time when friends come over, they expect that you’re gonna give them “something to do.” Football solves this evil social reality–and in fact, may enable you to interact with humans again. (Or at least sit 7-12 inches away from one as you silently look at green grass on a large screen.)

18. Increased focus on television and television advertising means increased chance for the next great quotable commercial and/or catchy jingle.

19. If you’re trying to unglue yourself from your twitter feed, all you’ve gotta do is wait until an NFL game comes on. At that time, you’ll be able to instantly kick the anti-social habit.

20. Football means increased human gatherings. Increased human gatherings will do wonders for your instagram game.

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