Why You Should Date A Bro
By Lance Pauker
Bros, by and large, tend to get a pretty bad rap. This might be because they never really order wraps. (A bacon egg and cheese smothered in hash browns and fat grease is almost always the call.)
But most likely, it’s because Bros, as socially oriented alpha-males who tend to talk almost exclusively low grunts, can be negatively stereotyped rather easily. Extreme and dangerous confidence? Clearly self-absorption. A hankering for high BAC levels? Must be terrible to girls. Inability to wear anything other than plaid shirts and a somewhat sleazy grin? Commence the mouth vomiting.
Look, I get it. On a scale from mild-mannered to giant dickhead, Bros aren’t exactly strangers to the latter. And at their worst, Bros can sometimes be mind-bogglingly misogynistic. But to write off a Bro just like that is sort of like refusing to watch the next Batman movie just because Ben Affleck is in it. Justifiable on the surface, but in reality, Gwen Stefani-induced bananas. Because Ben Affleck, as you may recall, just won the award for best movie. There are a fuck ton of movies, and Ben Affleck beat them all. Even with that beard.
Sure, Bros may endorse a zeitgeist that screams Don Draper much louder than it does Piper Chapman (and Pipes is VERY in right now), but are Bros all that bad? The answer is no. And the correct answer is not even close. And the most correct answer, the answer that you’re afraid to say because of dirty looks and “accidentally” spilled lattes, is that Bros are miles better than most other specimens of male.
Yea, they may have never read War and Peace. But unlike Chad who works at the bookstore, Bros are don’t smell like they’re possibly homeless, and then try and pass it on as a “vibe.”
And if that mild piece of Afflecking weren’t enough, here’s some further proof:
Bros Are Better Event Planners Than 43% of Women: The unintended side-effect of fraternity halloween parties is that Bros are incredibly skilled party planners. Simply skew a few words here and there (tell him the gathering is a “pregame,”), use solo cups instead of those terrible see-through cups, and he’ll take care of the rest.
You’ll Probably Never Be the Drunkest At The Party: Thus, enabling you to get white-girl wasted guilt-free, all while never having to worry about pissing off your significant other. And Bros, despite drinking in alcohol quantities worthy of those spinning things on the back of gas trucks (the origin of the “tank”), will tend have their bearings. Even when borderline blackout, Bros serve and protect.
They’ll Probably Dress Nice: I’ve heard that men in suits are sexy. What if the person you were dating wore one every day? What if, when he returned home from his job where he makes a lot of money (Bros are insecure when they do stuff that doesn’t make money), you could hear those nice Kenneth Cole’s tap-tap-tapping. Muscles, too. Muscles Muscles Muscles. Tap-tap-tapping.
They’ll Pay for You: Again. Being debatably misogynistic has its perks.
Your Vocabulary Will Automatically Be Cooler: Next time you complete a task, tell people you “crushed it.” Soon enough, you’ll start to “crush” everything. Particularly Greek Yogurt.
Bros Work Out: Sometimes they work out too much. Either way, they’re more likely to save you from a bear attack than that guy who plays the cello. And unlike that guy, Bros do not have random pieces of chalk hiding in their beard.
They’re Really Good at Schmoozing With Parents: Have you ever watched Wedding Crashers?
There’s Minimal “Finding Yourself” Bullshit: Whatever baggage he has, he’ll be man enough to handle it. You get the lion’s share of his emotional investment. He may opt to text pictures of him taking a shit rather than listening to all your problems, but he’ll listen to some. At least he’s more honest about it.
When a Bro Grows Up, He Becomes a Gentleman: Getting reckless specimen to settle down, even for a short while, is a challenge. But just like any wild beast, a Bro really just wants to be tamed.
Like The Ridiculous Obscure Local Television Commercials They Often Reference, This Deal Doesn’t Last Long: Like any other male, the good ones get snatched up if you don’t act quickly. Case and point, this Bro is taken.