As some toolbag once said, “life is a party.” Here are a few everyone ends up RSVPing to:
1. Hands Up, Baby Hands Up: The Chuck E. Cheese Throwdown
The Skinny: A endless sea of noisemakers, poorly assembled party hats, and parents cacophonously shuffling their feet to the Cotton Eyed Joe, these parties mostly consist of toddlers being very intimidated of their surroundings. There are two types of parents that attend these gatherings; those who have dreamed of being in this exact situation for all their lives (oftentimes, Moms), and those unhappy with their current state of marriage and/or recent divorce, looking to plant a seed through appearing to be an invested father.
Drink Of Choice: Mott’s Apple Juice
Life of the Party: The tacky magician. Not too shabby for a recovering alcoholic.
2. No Boys Allowed: The Tween Sleepover
The Skinny: You find out who likes who, and the least parented kid of the bunch tells you all sorts of dark, twisted stuff that make you fear for humanity. Learning what a blumpkin is at age 11 isn’t something you’re gonna forget.
Drink Of Choice: Cans upon cans of Mountain Dew Code Red
Life of the Party: The stash of nudes (now done via phone) someone passes around following “lights out.”
3. Project Y: The High School Rager
The Skinny: Held at the house of that girl whose parents are mysteriously never around, the high school rager is undoubtedly the most cathartic of anything on this list. The transition from awkward and uptight to smothering chocolate pudding on shirtless bodies is at an all-time high here, and the euphoria is as universal as it will ever be.
Drink of Choice: Anything anyone can get their hands on. Oftentimes way too nice for the setting, courtesy of a parent’s liquor cabinet. Remember to refill that vodka with water.
Life of the Party: The person who’s getting drunk for the first time. Always a gem.
4. “DUDE, I Must’ve Had Like, 10 Shots and 14 Beers”: The College Rager
The Skinny: Similar to the house party, but with two major differences. One, it is crucial to keep count of how many drinks you’ve consumed over the course of the night, then add 5-10 more to demonstrate you’re unquestionably collegiate. And two, the high schoolers who cared too much about getting into Cornell experience the previously discussed euphoria for the first time
Drink Of Choice: Watered-down beer purchased in 30 racks, poorly made jungle juice, Burnett’s flavored vodka collection.
Life of the Party: The guy who quiets everyone down and makes some sort of shouting announcement that nobody hears, but toasts to anyway as the music comes on. Anything by David Guetta usually works here.
5. Is This What Settling Down Looks Like?: The Date Party
The Skinny: This is where you try and be an adult, but the free flowing wine ensures you fail spectacularly.
Drink of Choice: Anything that can be poured into a glass, that makes your constant nodding and smiling appear significantly more sophisticated.
Life of the Party (Tie): The event planner mastermind (who will spend 64% of the party downplaying how difficult it was to find such a quality space, and might be a former frat bro), the couple who gets too drunk, does something highly embarrassing, and gives everyone else something to talk about for the next decade.
6. Some Of Us Are Doing Better Than Others: The Bachelor/Bachelorette Party
The Skinny: What starts out as a battle royale between the person concerned about spending money and the person concerned about letting everyone else know he CAN spend money, will inevitably turn into those two bonding with incredible force. By the end of the weekend, the debauchery will become immortalized as the most exhilarating adventure nobody wants to relive.
Drink of Choice: All of them.
Life of the Party: The desperately single person, who will inevitably have sex with a 19 and/or a 54 year-old in a hotel closet.
7. On A Scale Of Completely Thrilled To Murderously Jealous, Are You Allowed To Be Both?: The Wedding
The Skinny: A social ritual with an infinite amount of Larry David-esque plot-lines, social media feeds have done more than enough damage for me to possibly add anything of substance here.
Drink of Choice: Whatever that lawyer you’re trying to network with insists you have.
Life of the Party: THE. DRUNKEN. UNCLE. This is where his life peaks.
8. It Probably Only Goes Downhill From Here: The 40 Year-Old Hurrah
The Skinny: One of my dad’s favorite stories is the tale of his friend’s 40th birthday party, which consisted of going to a very nice restaurant and getting unreasonably drunk. Using the critical thinking skills I learned from the $200K education he paid for, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the perfect storm of party; you’ve weeded out all the people you don’t like, you (hopefully) have a good deal of disposable income, and you’re still young enough to not be solely preoccupied with your body deteriorating. All in all, your last hurrah of hard partying.
Drink of Choice: Top shelf, with confidence.
Life of the Party: Everyone. Being friends at age 40 means you’ve probably been tight for decades. The fact you’ve all made it this far is a miracle.
9. …Yup, It Only Goes Downhill: The Late Middle-Age Surprise Party
The Skinny: As if supporting your struggling 20-something kids weren’t enough, they’ve now dropped a few g’s on catered italian food and a slick new tennis racket. A clear sign as any that you really should’ve told them about your arthritis.
Drink of Choice: A single can of Ginger Ale
Life of the Party: The recently redone kitchen. What a marvel. You MUST tell me who you worked with.
10. What Part of “I Don’t Fucking Need a Mahogany Coffin” Did You Not Understand?: The Wake
The Skinny: People spend a few hours looking at you, and you can’t even go to the bathroom to fix your hair. Wouldn’t you rather be dead?
Drink of Choice: Stale crackers and room temperature water
Life of The Party: Nice.
Never be bored on a Friday night – sign up for the Patrón Social Club and enter to win a 4-person trip.
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