4 Ways You’re Doing Adulthood Wrong
By Lance Pauker
1. Justifying Your Poor Decisions By Informing Others Of Your Status As A Fully Functional Adult
I recently had the pleasure of watching a stand-up comedian who brought forth this rather brilliant premise; the only time we tend to speak of our adult status is when we do things that are inherently unadult-like. Which IS quite humorous, given that most of our lives are stunted enough to fulfill this prophecy and then some. Just yesterday, for example, instead of sitting at a table like a normal, non crack-dependent human, I ate dinner whilse pacing around the kitchen like a giant fool–all because I was too lazy to move the ever-mounting magazine and hoodie cavalcade off of the kitchen chairs.
Because this “look how much I don’t have my life together” movement has taken on a narrative where it’s almost cool to fail at mundane tasks (as long as you succeed in the more substantial ones), being a lazy dipshit has become more than just acceptable. Tragically, it’s become somewhat expected.
2. Cleaners Down The Block Syndrome
There’s this dry cleaners across the street from me that’s pretty much everything you could possibly ask for out of a cleaners; it’s got a funky smell, a counter guy who is really good at smiling, and a ridiculously long back area that would be perfect for a slew of thrilling illegal activities. Having visited fairly regularly, I’ve developed a nice rapport with the dude who does the morning shift. We’re even at the “commenting about what we’re eating for breakfast” level. Huge.
It doesn’t seem like there’s much of a problem here, but my cleaners is your hotel booking, or restaurant choosing downfall. My cleaners is on a major street, meaning the rent is probably too damn high, meaning they probably charge a bunch more than the several other cleaners I’ve noticed on side-streets close by. It’s easy to fall into the trap of convenience; it’s harder to pull yourself out of it.
3. Messing with Reward Scarcity
Parks & Rec fans or not, we’re constantly being told to treat ourselves. That the unfair hand the economy has dealt us has implicitly granted us permission to look up from our laptops and make sure that we’re constantly doing shit we feel we duly deserve.
(Conveniently, this “treating yourself” notion deals with money the same way late-night you deals with early-morning you–with an overly douchey shoulder shrug barely squeezed in between pitchers of beer. But that is neither here nor there. “There,” meaning your bank account)
Treating yourself is defined as such because its supposed to be just that–a rarity. Taking the night off from writing that musical just because you’re tired is never something you deserve; it’s something you’re simply incapable of doing. And it’s something that, when repeated enough, will claim primary responsibility for your failed career as a playwright. With all the #distractions surrounding us, it’s VERY easy to misconstrue the concepts of “rewarding yourself” and “choosing to be ineffective.”
4. Assuming People Are In The Same Place They Were A Few Months Ago
Sometimes things tend to make more sense when you’re drunk. But sometimes you need an introductory sentence that has nothing to do with the topic at hand, even though it seems like it’s kinda relatable.
The two sentences above represent complete and utter bullshit, something us millennial-folk have mastered better than a cargo shorts wearer masters third-person shooter games. Bullshitting is an important part of life, but it’s even a more important activity to conduct with your friends. The one’s who will always have your back, and you theirs. The one’s who you could always talk to when you’ve gotta get those deep dark secrets off your chest. (You know, the one’s that you pawn off as your deep dark secrets, at least.)
I’m not gonna be that guy who’s all like “everyone’s shit, it’s all on you.” Friends are very important. But friends are constantly going through the same transitional bullshit that you are all the time. Just like you’re weighing them, they are weighing you. Too often we choose to deal with the past versions of our friends. The one’s that we preferred more, or had simply gotten used to. More often than not, these people are now mere projections.
As the english language will tell you, punches aren’t meant to be taken standing still. They’re meant to be rolled with.