1. Really hone in on one particular issue. Research its ins and outs (via Wikipedia), and make sure that your issue of choice is significantly more important/polarizing/superior to any and all other pertinent topics. To achieve proficiency here, simply begin sentences with an unmatchable fervor. For inspiration and/or guidance, consult youtube videos of evangelical preachers.
2. Nod, wide-eyed, at whatever the other person is saying. Make sure to agree whatever it is they’re talking about via properly timed utterances of “I know,” “right?,” and “don’t worry…they just don’t get it.” If you’re having trouble here, just pretend you’re 8 minutes deep in your significant other’s brunch recap.
3. Deceivingly change the subject of the conversation by referencing a relatable analogy. For example, if you’re stuck in a convo about the latest development in the Israeli-Palestine dramz, simply reference those mutual friends who are perpetually on the verge of breaking up. Following the inevitable slight chortle, seize the conversational lull and steer the ship away from those hummus-infested waters.
4. Like Political Statuses. Nothing says “look at how much I care about the fiscal cliff!” better than a well-timed like of a three-paragraph status from an overambitious congressman with a stupid mustache.
5. Brush up on your Obama impression, or that of any other big-time political figure. Niche humor is always a great way to sidestep actually knowing anything about the very thing you’re mocking. This doesn’t just apply to politics.
Nothing says “look at how much I care about the fiscal cliff!” better than a well-timed like of a three-paragraph status from an overambitious congressman with a stupid mustache.
6. Talk about how you’re way too busy to keep up with the news. While this technically outs you as the fraud you truly are, it actually doesn’t; by marginalizing the importance of current events, you’re insinuating that you’re actually “above” the very topics society has decided are important. Congratulations, wad of douche–you’ve beat politics at its own game.
7. Nail down that fancy drink order. Have you ever seen a politician, fictional or otherwise, not completely kill it when ordering a $16 cocktail at the bar? Of course you haven’t. Politicians, and the types they associate with, have this weird knack of handling bartenders like a worn-in banjo. Overly adamant opinions about liquor brands sold separately.
8. Take the topic at hand, and insert an applicable cultural tangent. For example, if talking about how New Orleans hasn’t entirely recovered from Hurricane Katrina, bust out your Big Easy knowledge acumen to counteract the claim. A passionately backed “I don’t know, have you had one of those beignets from Cafe Du Monde? I think they’re alright.” should do the trick. Note that in these instances, the more esoteric the reference, the better.
9. Quote an applicable song lyric. Bob Dylan and The Beatles are always pretty good calls, but you should definitely aspire to run the gamut on all bands with even the slightest of politically charged messages. Aim for as radical as possible. This way, you could easily pass off their sentiments as yours.
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