1. The Passive-Aggressive Toast
Mostly occurs when trying to pick up a girl — watch her lips tighten as she raises the shot glass to your somewhat elegant toast, pretending to be not thrilled at all that she’s getting drunk for free.
It’s only until you casually reference some strange, unintentional mutual friend connection that she’ll deem you acceptable. The pre-screen approval — even if it’s out of order — is always crucial.
Did you know that if you dissociate yourself from a top-of-the-line club and think deeply about life for 10-15 seconds, you’ll automatically go on to “do big things?” Jesse does.
3. “You First”
Watch as three/four dudes stand the exact same distance away from the bar, promptly deferring the bartender’s head nod to another group member. The least douchey person will eventually succumb, shelling out the cash for the first round. For the others, it’s a “how many rounds do we think we’ll have?” game of strategic order placement.
**Note that in a group of 3-4 people, it’s always best to go second. It makes you seem generous initially, and it’s almost guaranteed that you won’t have to pay for another round–even if you do get another at-bat, it’ll almost always be usurped by the rich friend who’s really adamant about buying shit when he’s drunk.
4. Excessive “Shotzzz” Shit-Talking
You know this all too well. If you ever get tired of this, just suggest Tequila*–the heightened “Bro…Bro” reactions are bound to hit every possible place on the enthusiasm → fear spectrum.
*Andy Moore and myself are currently writing a future Tony-winning play called “Bros and Tequila,” so we won’t elaborate on this any further. But just you wait.
5. The Friend-Lurk
Occurs primarily when there is a ratio disparity of any sort (2/1, 3/2), AND the excess member does not know the other side. Homie will be trying to get his game on, body language clearly thrilled that he’s cool enough to be talking to someone he didn’t enter the bar with.
The friend though, not so lucky. And if he’s resorted to the lurk, it likely means (a. his/her friend isn’t exactly the best at making introductions, and (b. he/she is not exactly the most proactive homie themselves. A difficult hole to climb out of, most definitely.
6. Fleeting Moment of Extreme Depression
Sort of the exact opposite of Eisenberging. It’ll hit you at a moment of intense loneliness–upon seeing that flash of wild ecstasy spread across your friend’s face, him having no idea how much the girl he’s hooking up with actually sucks. Or perhaps its more of an unprovoked thing–just a sudden pang. The lack of vibrate in your pocket, a silent affirmation that she’s not gonna text you back tonight.
It’ll last about 10-15 seconds, but it’s by far one of your darkest hours–you have no idea why people find this fun, or what the fuck was the point of spending $30 just now. If we’re all about making timely references that get really annoying because of oh shit grab that tumblr domain, this is your fiscal cliff.
7. The Dramatic Slam-Down
Any bar that has sit-down tables also has Bros on Bros on Bros who have never once gently placed down their mugs. This is fact.
8. The Levels Bros
Really applicable for any “oohhhh shit!!” song, but Avicii’s Levels has the uncanny ability to initiate this spectacle every single time. Sit on the buildup, wait for the drop, and watch two-three guys completely forget whatever else they were doing, huddle up, and instantly turn into the Baltimore Ravens immediately following Ray Lewis’ final pre-game speech.
It’s a beautiful occurrence, practiced almost exclusively by those who this very website is dedicated to.
9. Single Senior Girl, Perpetually Exhaling
It’s not too often that an entire person’s current life outlook could be defined with one succinct bodily function, but such is the case of the senior single girl.
Sooooo over the hookup scene, every night out has now turned into an overly dramatic sigh–one where she realizes there’s really nothing left for her here. Partly because she’s mentally moved onto the next phase of her life, but partly because “all the good ones are taken…even the gay guys.”
10. Post-Rejection Verbal Exchange
After a dude gets turned down by enough girls, he’ll transfer his talents to the shit-talking arena. Supported by a “give zero fucks” glance of dismissiveness, he’ll unnecessarily bump into an innocent dude passerby, who’s probably already peeved by the fact that you can’t fucking move in this place.
After the passerby’s expectation for a quick apology is in replaced by that well-timed sneer o’douche, it’s almost guaranteed that he’ll match him with an overly sarcastic remark, designed to specifically get to the core of the Bro who’s time at the gym has not at all translated into barside success. Things probably won’t escalate from there, but only because both sides have a friend who enjoys acting like a “relax, Bro” benchwarmer upon the faintest trace of brawl.