How Do You Snag A Shy Guy? Plus, Debating The Existence Of ‘Internet Soulmates’

Silicon Valley
Silicon Valley

Hi bbs,

Per usual, we’re thrilled to dish up your weekly helping of #veryimportant Internet dating advice. There were many great questions this week (keep ’em coming), but we selected four that seemed to cover what most of y’all wanted to know. How do you properly romance someone who has a significant other? How can you tell if someone is your soulmate from his or her Facebook activity? How do you snag a shy guy?

Send us more questions for next week! Or selfies.

XOXO, Gossip Girl

– Steph and Lance

Q: So I recently just came back from NYC and now reside in Miami. I came back single and learned that this friend of mine was dating her ex still. Lets call this friend Giselle. Giselle was particularly a friend that I’ve always been really close with emotionally and physically, not in a sexual sense, for about a year or so before moving to NYC for 8 months. All of our friends would constantly say we looked really cute together. Before moving, I began noticing my urge of wanting us to happen, something more than just friends. However, fear struck me, making me fearful of losing our friendship. I began dating my ex and so had she before leaving for NYC. Since then I’ve never stopped thinking about her. Since now that I’m back we’ve been hanging out and having lunch dates and such. She told me that she was planning to leave her ex because he hasn’t changed. What should I do? I want to help her but at the same time I don’t want to have my desires to cloud my advice.

Steph: I’m a little confused. If Giselle (hot pseudonym, by the way) is dating this guy, doesn’t that make him her…boyfriend? Not her ex? Just putting that out there.

Semantics aside, I’ve been catching up on Game of Thrones recently, so watching cute guys stick their swords into one another (that Jon Snow, though) has really influenced my perspective on the world. That being said, I think you and her ex/kinda-boyfriend-thing-whatever should duel for her, Westeros-style.

Lance: In addition to echoing the sentiments of Steph “Semantics Destroyer” Karina, I’d say that you actually view the two as one in the same. Telling her how you really feel might be exactly what she’s looking for. Then again maybe not, but what’s life without fiddling with coffee cup sleeves whilst determining the long-term trajectory of your romantic life? Go for it, dawg.

***

Q: So, I will try to make a long story as short as I can. Basically, I met someone via email during work. He seemed really nice when we discussed the event we were planning, which ended up falling through, so I added him on Facebook. For two or three weeks after I added him, we talked via text, phone and Facebook about everything under the sun for days and hours on end – our conversations were incredible. Then I guess I had a vacation, he went on vacation, so we just didn’t really talk for a few weeks. At this point he only talked to me via FB messages. Decided to meet up for dinner with him, and it was pretty casual. Didn’t hear from him for a few weeks after that.

Now, the weird thing is that whenever I post something on Facebook, which is super rare, he will like it. Even if he has no idea of the context behind it. And he’ll randomly message me on FB to see how I’m doing – like literally “how are you? That’s good” End of conversation.

He lives five hours away and I can’t help but think he is actually my soulmate. What the heck is going on here?

Steph: Okay, so this question reconfirms just how much social media has affected our generation’s perception of romance. I’m going to be completely honest with you — I indiscriminately like social media posts from my friends, and he might do the same. If you’re someone I talk to on a regular basis and whose company I enjoy, I will like your posts if I see them. It’s not that I want to get into your pants or that I’m particularly into the filtered shot of a bagel you post to Instagram every other Sunday — it’s that we’re buddies, and I’m supporting you! And your bagels! TL;DR: don’t take a virtual “like” for anything other than it is.

However, if you think he’s your *~soulmate~*, perhaps the best course of action would be to go to his Facebook profile, like every post you can find, and see how he responds.

Lance: Get to know him in person. I think even more so than ever before, real life and the internet are becoming two very distinct things — and because of that, one’s “internet self” will likely differ from their actual self. Think of it like being at a party, vs. meeting your significant other’s parents for the first time — while you’re still the same person in each situation, the makeup of that situation will prompt you to act a lot differently. Also, there seems to be a lot more Zac Efron references on the internet than in real life.

***

Q: I have been hooking up with this guy who has a girlfriend for months. He told me he and his girlfriend are just there for the title, there’s no more love and I meant the world to him. However, he’s so afraid his girlfriend will find out that he cheated, he wants to me to lie and act as though we are just friends. He gets pissed when I decline to go to his house and often cancel our plans last minute because of his girlfriend. Does he really meant what he said or he just want me for the “excitement” that faded between him and his girlfriend?

Steph: This sounds like a case of the Bad News Bears. It’s probably not a good idea to hook up with someone who is currently girlfriend-ed — especially if you’re uncertain what is going on between the two of them. You’re right; he might be interested in you only for the extra spice you add between the sheets. If he is being sincere when he tells you how much you mean to him, he should end it with his girlfriend. Otherwise, there might be more to the story (or he might just be a smelly farthead), and you should get out before everyone involved gets seriously burned.

Lance: Tough sitch, and I’d say it’s a little bit of both. He probably really likes you, but the only thing that’s holding him back is the radical change that would clearly ensue. This probably isn’t the best analogy, but: him leaving his girlfriend for you is like him quitting a stable job for something that, while it has the potential to be his dream job, also might end up being a terrible decision. That risk is on him. Think the best idea is just to give him an ultimatum. But in the words of Cialis, do it when the moment is right.

***

Q: I met this adorable guy when I went back home to Boston for my winter break. He’s smart, funny, and apparently shy (that’s what he told me). We hung out a twice and he kissed me. I pulled away because I was nervous. Unfortunately, I went back to San Francisco for college. Coincidentally, he had an event to go to in San Francisco and ended up staying at my place for a couple of days. He told me that it was a pick up artist event and asked me to join him. I was swarmed with classwork so I didn’t really spend time with him. We only slept together (just sleeping, nothing physical)! I was confused because he didn’t make any moves on me. He went back to Boston, but he’d randomly text me here and there, although our conversation only lasts a few lines. I’m getting a -he’s just not that into you- kind of vibe from him.

I’m going back to Boston to visit for the summer. I know he is into PUA scene, but I’m moving to Hawaii anyways so…

I was wondering, would be a good idea to ask him to hang out? Maybe I should just leave it as is and move on?

Steph: Oh my god, I love shy guys! They’re so endearing and adorable — like puppies or tabby kittens, except you want to make out with their faces all the time. You should totally ask him to hang out — what’s the harm in that? It’s not as though grabbing dinner or going to see a film comes with any strings attached. Maybe you’ll hit it off, rekindle your flame, and spend the rest of the evening kissing and heavily petting one another on a park bench somewhere. Maybe not. You won’t know unless you try.

Lance: In boring news, I agree with Steph. Take a chance, make it happen, and all the rest of the lyrics the Foxwoods Resort & Casino commercial.

In more exciting news, I just spent about 10 minutes in a google wormhole about the PUA scene. That is incredible. Did you go to the pickup artist event with him? What was it like? Was the guy in charge’s name Blaine? So many questions. TC mark

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