8 years of friendship, 4 years of being best friends. I would anticipate seeing your name flashing on my phone, in the form of a call or a text – whatever. Every night we would talk for hours – about our day, our problems, our futures, what that friend said, what recently caught our attention etc etc. In the midst of that, we started to confide in each other. I kept your secrets and inner issues safe with me. You did the same, except you started to throw them back at me and force me to remember them, day by day.
It started last fall. You were in town. We made plans months in advance of the things we would do and see when we would meet. The first time in so long that you, my best friend, would actually celebrate my birthday with me. Despite my incessant calling and texting, you never cared to meet me, tell me you wouldn’t be able to make it for my birthday, or wish me on the actual day itself. Even better, you didn’t bother to tell me you had left town. A few days later, only on the fact that I called out to find what was wrong was when you remembered to apologize for your behaviour, with no supporting reason at all. I forgave you. You’re my best friend, after all, right? Everyone deserves second chances.
Things got better. Phone calls extended late into the night. Then things got bad. Everything was working out perfectly for me. I was getting everything I wanted in life, and I wanted to share that with you. You chose to ignore the good parts of my life and started to focus on the not-so-ideal situations I went through over the past weeks. Every time we talked, you made me feel as if I were the worst version of myself, based on your ridiculous assumptions. Everything I did was criticized – right down from my hair, clothes, friendships, significant others, to my nights out. Names and unwarranted allegations ensued. But you’re my best friend, right? Being best friends means to completely blind out emotional abuse on the pretext of being so close to one another.
There’s a limit to the amount you can accept as a harmless ‘joke’. The day I called you out on it was the day I realized that I don’t deserve such a person in my life. You were well aware of how I felt about it, but you did nothing, just as before.
As with others, I have certain standards in my life. Standards I expect of others I form relationships with, and personal self-esteem standards I strive to adhere to. Some people make you want to be the best possible version of yourself, but you, as my best friend, always managed to bring out the worst in me.
Though I am and will be unable to ever cut you off completely from my life, simply because I care too much and I know about your screwed up mental state, I will dilute the friendship we had into something similar to that of acquaintances.
I hope you find a friend better suited to you, a friend who can talk to you throughout the night and put up with you, a friend who can inspire you to ‘grow up’, a friend who can manage to hopefully direct you towards changing for the better. The day you find someone like that in your life, I will be genuinely happy for you. Though we have history, I cannot do this anymore. I’m sorry I can’t be that friend. I deserve better.