I didn’t want to write this post. And to be honest, I simply just didn’t know how to go about writing it.
But yesterday I had a bad dream. And as you might know, I never dream…
This morning I woke up bawling, hands shaking because last night I dreamed that I killed myself. I kind of blame 13 Reasons Why for showing me how one person can go about killing themselves as I never knew people would cut their veins this way in order to die. And I think that’s why in my dream I did it the same way Hannah did it. I think that the images of her doing it have scared me for life…
But that’s not the point of that story.
Back when I was 14, I seriously thought about killing myself. It still pains me to think about it and to be honest sometimes I wish that all of that hadn’t been true. But it happened and it’s part of me now.
Why did I want to kill myself?
I was bullied growing up. And as we all know, it’s very hard to continue on living when people are always there to crush you down.
I felt lost. I felt like I didn’t have a voice. I felt like whatever I said or did, it was always wrong. I felt like nobody was listening to me. I felt misunderstood. I felt cornered. I felt alone and lonely.
Yes, I’ve been bullied at school. But that’s not the only place I’ve been bullied. And it was too much for little ol’ me to handle.
Thankfully I did not act on my feelings. And I always thank myself for not doing what felt like the only solution at that time.
I’ve learned so much since then. I’ve grown so much since then. And I am now in a place where, despite all the insecurities and struggles, I still love myself very much. I know I will probably sound corny AF but I really have learned to be my ultimate best friend! — I just love myself. No narcissism and arrogance here.
Although, I have to admit that sometimes my brain comes up with some nasty shit to tell myself. But I’ve learned to put a positive spin on every bad thoughts. Of course it is not easy to do but I manage.
A question that people like to ask is “What’s your biggest fear?” and I never really had an answer to that until today.
My biggest fear would be to lose control of myself. To be so lost that I end up killing myself. I’ve been working on that mental illness for years now and sometimes the thought comes back but I always manage to shove it back where it came from. But what I’m afraid of is really losing myself to the point where I don’t care about myself anymore and I end up hurting myself. It really frightens me. I don’t want to reach that point and I work really hard for that day to never ever happen. I know I’ve become really strong over the years. I really do pride myself for how strong I am now. But what if one day I am tired of being strong?
I never talk about that topic because, well, it’s depressing and I’m a really happy-go-lucky kind of person. But this topic is also part of me and it wouldn’t be fair to never talk about it. I don’t want people to have just one version of me. Of course the version of me that I always put forth is the happy/funny version but there’s still this other version that needs to be acknowledged. And I know that you might be reading this and you also might have this other version of yourself that you never really talk about and I want to say to you that it is ok to have different versions of you.
And I understand if you unintentionally or intentionally try to hide one version under the other one(s) but it’s also ok to talk about all different versions of yourself.
I know it’s hard to talk about certain versions of ourselves especially if they bring back painful memories but it’s also important to acknowledge them and talk about them. It will not only help you but it might help us too.
I really hope that by me sharing this very personal story of my life it’ll help some of you go through whatever you might be going through right now.