“How dare you say that my behavior’s unacceptable?/So condescending, so unnecessarily critical” – Harder to Breathe
“Maybe we should take a step back. You’re making this more serious than I want it to be.” I stared at my phone in disbelief. The first emotion I felt was stupidity – I tried so hard not to come on too strong, not to let him think that I was more into him than I actually was, but it had to have been written all over my face whenever we were together. Then the most logical emotion took over. We were getting too serious? Seriously!? I didn’t realize that spending a few nights a week together watching Sports Center or whatever movie from my collection that you didn’t snub after barely glancing at the cover counted as serious. I thought that was reserved for people who weren’t sneaking in and out of dorm rooms so that none of your friends would see and ask about our “relationship.” Maybe serious meant walking past me in public and purposely avoiding my gaze, actively doing your best to make me seem invisible to you and whoever you were with. Livid didn’t even begin to cover it.
“My heart is breaking in front of me/[He] said goodbye too many times before” – This Love
You had the most striking pair of eyes I’d ever seen. I should have turned and run at that point. Of course, I couldn’t. It would have been foolish to do so in a room full of people, but moreover, I didn’t want to. There was a lot of mystery and a lot of hurt behind them that I yearned to uncover. Eventually I got to scratch the surface, but something unexpected happened – you holding so tightly to those pains that kept you from opening your heart to me scarred me too. Those same pains pushed you to push me away but those same pains kept me returning to you when you would finally call out to me, until you exhausted all that I had left in reserve for you or me and us together got to be too much. We said goodbye for the final time about a year ago and I still don’t feel replenished yet. Not by a long shot.
“You build me up/You knock me down/Provoke a smile/And make me frown/You are the [king]of runaround/You know it’s true” – Shiver
You chased me for so long. Many months shooting me glances that held a little something extra just behind your eye passed before I even considered the possibility of you and I changing our relationship from safe to something much more complex and dangerous for all parties involved. When I finally gave in to your advances, you did an about face and gave me the feeling that I was mistaken all those months, that was I saw was not anything extra, but that you instead loved the hunt. Now that I allowed myself to be caught, there was nothing left to it. You’d grown bored and now you wanted to make things as complicated as possible to keep things interesting for you. Meanwhile, I’m stuck not knowing whether I should run away again or tempt you with what I have now to keep you interested in staying still for awhile …
“He was always there to help her/She always belonged to someone else” – She Will Be Loved
The look on your face when I was replying to a text is one that I won’t soon forget. Exasperation, disappointment, frustration oozed from your pores and God, I wish that hadn’t happened at my hands. It’s what I was hoping to avoid by keeping you at a Lebron’s arm length away. It wasn’t anything, honestly. But after you saw the text, it was the last time that you reached out to me. That night there was a rupture in our friendship that hasn’t been able to be repaired yet. I know that you wanted to be there for me as a friend and as more, but I couldn’t bring myself to open my heart up to you in the way that you wanted me to. I was too focused on another guy, chasing him because he was fleeing, but hoping that one day he would turn around, see me, pause there for a while as I caught up. It didn’t happen. I just wish that I hadn’t hurt you in the process of figuring that out.
“And I’ve done you so wrong/Treated you bad/Strung you along/Oh, shame on myself/I don’t know how I got so tangled” – Tangled
I meant to text you back. Really, I did. I looked down, read your message, rolled my eyes and continued on with what I was doing. I was probably on my way to somewhere or needed to reply to a message that felt more urgent that yours. Next thing I know, it’s two weeks later and your question is still sitting unanswered in my text log. I know why you do it. You know why you do it. I will always be special to you, but you won’t ever be as special to me. Even though I know this and know the way you feel about me, I still allow you to think that there could be something between us when I’m especially bored and want to get out of the house or a free drink or three. You never let me pay for anything, I absolutely loved that. I was always your princess, though you could never be my prince. You’re much too nice, much too reserved to be someone that I could settle into – only settling for.
“And I cannot remember/What life was like through photographs/Trying to recreate images/Life gives us from our past” – The Sun
I came across the picture that I took of you the day before I left for college today. I put it inside a picture frame that said “Love forever” in various fonts across the border. I hid it in one of my totes because I didn’t want my family to see and start asking questions that I couldn’t answer because you weren’t dating me alone. I remember the day that I took that photo, watching you back out of my driveway, holding back the tears threatening to spill. When I got settled into my dorm room, your picture sat by my mirror so I would see your face every time I went to fix mine. But I was sitting with your picture in my hand this afternoon six years later and I was trying to remember what happened before that day and after it. The first thing that came to mind was the first big fight that we had, the one would be the one to end our relationship. Why that one instead of all the good ones? I used to live for those times and memories, now I can barely call them up to the forefront of my mind. Maybe there is something to this time heals all thing after all.