15 Signs You’re Definitely Not Ready To Have Kids

I love my life. Shutterstock
  • My life is pretty awesome, just how it is. I love sleeping in and not knowing where a night will end up and being weightless, freely able to jump on a plane, or a guy, or a job opportunity across the country.
  • I lose my phone at least once a day. Imagine if that was a baby! Okay, I know it’s unlikely that I’ll set my baby down in the freezer while grabbing ice cream and accidentally leave it there, but you never know. I could see myself doing that. I kinda lose focus on anything else when there’s ice cream on the line.
  • My sexual partners aren’t exactly “dad material”. No offense to them because they are “multiple orgasm material”, and “incredible road trip playlist maker material”, and that’s more than enough for me right now.
  • I rarely have anything but yogurt, Vitamin Water, and half-finished takeout in my refrigerator. The yogurt is undoubtedly expired. The takeout is probably 3 days old and probably not good to eat, but if we’re being honest, I’m probably going to come home drunk tonight and eat it anyway.
  • I still don’t know what you’re supposed to do with a child when you want to spend 48 solid hours in bed watching Netflix.
  • I was supposed to get my oil changed like 2,000 miles ago. I’m in no position to be telling anyone how to live.
  • I’m really self-involved and I’m fine with that. I’m in my 20s and I have no kids – this is the time to obsess about myself. I do want to know who I am, and how I feel about things, and why I feel that way, and where my recurring dreams come from, and work out my relationships with my family…I want all of that, and more. I know when you have kids, you have to focus more on their shit than your own shit, and that’s fine. I just want a little more time to figure out my shit.
  • I don’t want to go into specifics, but let’s just say I still giggle when I hear certain gross words. No parent does that.
  • I’ve graduated from “can’t wait to be an adult” to “kinda resenting being an adult” and I think I should wait until I get to “accepting and being okay with adulthood” before I have kids.
  • I pretty much just figured out what bra size I am. You know how they say most women wear the wrong size bra and don’t even know it? Well, I’ve finally nailed that shit. My breasts are looking better, and feeling more supported than ever. I am not ready to disturb their newfound peace with pregnancy.
  • There has not been a single teeth cleaning or gynecologist visit of my adult life that I have not forgotten about. I aim to improve on this one day, but I’m not there yet, and I assume that forgetting doctor visits for kids is a slightly more serious thing.
  • My friends practically live at my house, where I sometimes cook for them and sometimes do their laundry and they often sleep in my bed. I feel like I already have a bunch of kids, except that combined, they create what would probably be a very non-kid friendly environment.
  • I have a big, all consuming goal right now. This could be different for everyone – maybe you’re in grad school and your precious few free hours are spent sleeping, or you’re writing a screenplay, or are training for a marathon. I know it’s totally possible to do all of these things when you have kids, but from what I understand, it does eat up a lot of hours in the day.
  • I want to be a really, really good parent. I’m sure I could “make it work” if I had a kid now, but that’s not nearly good enough. I want to have all the knowledge, experience, time and resources to be the best possible parent I can be – and that’s definitely not where I’m at yet.
  • I don’t want to have kids yet. In the end, this is the only one that matters. I can easily see myself wanting kids one day, but for now, I don’t have that…ache. I don’t crave motherhood, and I honestly think I will one day. TC Mark

Call me if you need a rescue, we live in the same city.

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