1. How the HECK did you EVER come up with that username?
2. Mirror pics of six-packs — does that EVER work on women? Are there women who flip through these photos and see a guy flexing in front of a mirror in some dimly lit room, and think to themselves: “MY GOD, check out that sick six-pack! I MUST HAVE HIM RIGHT NOW. I MUST MESSAGE HIM THIS INSTANT AND SHOWCASE MY VENEREAL DESIRES IMMEDIATELY”?
3. Why are you hugging this girl in first picture of you I see? Is that your sister? Best friend? Ex-girlfriend? Cousin? Third cousin twice removed?! How is this ever NOT CREEPY?
4. When you answer the question “What I’m doing with my life” with things like “Working and living”, or the question “I’m really good at” with things like “Having fun” — um, I’m really proud of you. Brevity is the soul of wit, I guess.
5. “The most private thing I’m willing to admit” — “That I’m on this site”. Wait, am I on this site, too?! Whoa, I just double-checked and it turns out I am.
6. When there are spaces BEFORE a period but not AFTER — English as a second language (in which case, a gold star for trying), OR just doesn’t care (no gold star).
7. When it’s a question but instead of a question mark there’s a period, like “Hey How was your weekend. Have you been able to get out and enjoy this nice weather.” Definitely yes. Have you. Why do you not like question marks or use them like a normal person.
8. When random words are capitalized, my brain just doesn’t process it. For example, “Lets grab a coffee or Drink some time”. Or even better, “I went to school in Boston, moved to the city 3 years ago, and now I work in Finance”. Behold, Finance, oh hail! OH HAIL.
9. When I get a decent, seemingly serious message, only to be followed by a second message consisting solely of “lol.” You know that feeling when someone from an underdog sports team makes it to the net, shoots, and misses by half an inch? Yeah.
10. “I’m the guy your mom never warned you about”. Oh, she did. She definitely did.
11. When I check a guy’s profile and the first thing I read is: “Welcome!” At which point I always feel like someone is watching me.
Hey hows it goin
Hey hows it goin beautiful
If you’ve read it this far, it probably means you, too, are losing faith in humanity.
13. When people figure out what I do for a living, and message me on OkCupid to ask for professional advice or try to “network” with me, it’s like, “Hi, I haven’t even met you yet, but like, can I use you?”
14. When it says you’ve been to 45 countries, and I look at myself and realize I’ve only been to 13, and you have a picture of yourself chillin’ by the edge of some cliff and I have pictures of just a lot of blackened stones and old churches, I just wish we can call it even and maybe go on a date or something.
15. When you claim you can’t live without your PHONE, I’m like, but what about a properly functioning sewage system, a mid-19th century development critical to the prevention of cholera and other communicable diseases?
16. I love to laugh, too! What a coincidence! And cuddle. And dogs. And pizza.
17. When you ask me crazy questions like “Have you been loved recently?” To which I shall quote Cat Power and say, “Don’t look at the moon tonight/ You’ll never be, never be never be Manhattan.”