I spend a lot of time thinking about the alternate universes where we made things work out between us. I imagine what it would have been like if everything had lined up if we had said the things we wanted to say, if we had followed through on all the crazy thoughts we had in our heads. I can picture what it would have been like if we had taken the tiny fractures of moments that we played up and turned them into something real, into the thing we both claimed we wanted but never really did anything except talk about it.
I spend a lot of time thinking about those places because there, we did everything right. There, we didn’t wait too long, make all those mistakes, or hesitate for even a moment. We recognized that we had something and we decided to make the most of it rather than waste it on all the things that could go wrong. In those places, we didn’t even think about anyone else. We didn’t wonder if anyone else could occupy the spaces we carved out for each other. In those places, we were everything, and we knew it.
Yet as much as much as time as I spend with those ideas in my head, I know they aren’t real. I know that even if they were, it really wouldn’t matter. Because this is the universe we live in, and here, we didn’t make it work. We knew exactly what it would take for us to be everything we wanted to be, and we didn’t do anything about it. We let it all fall apart, and we barely fought to pick up the pieces.
Because sadly, the truth is if we were supposed to get it right, we would have by now.
We both could make long lists of the things to blame for our demise. We can say that timing, distance, worry, insecurity or a host of other things prevented us from reaching our full potential. I think we both know that those things weren’t really as hard to push through as we made them out to be. We know that life also gave us so much time, so many chances, so many potential solutions to those problems, and we didn’t even take a second glance at them. We kept focusing on all the things that could keep us apart, and never once did we look at all the things that were pushing us together.
We know that there was a chance for us, we can’t deny that. I will never look at us and think that we weren’t ever supposed to be something. There were too many things rooting for us to believe that anything between us wasn’t meant to be something bold and bright and beautiful. Yet even the universe won’t waste its time trying to force two people together if they aren’t willing to take the few steps it would take towards each other to finally be exactly what they were meant to be.
So after all this time, I have to admit that if you and I were going to be anything significant, then we would be by now. We wouldn’t keep wasting each other’s time; we wouldn’t keep pushing each other away in the name of self-preservation. I have to admit that it’s okay that we never figured it out because life doesn’t end just because you didn’t pick the person you thought you always would. Life gives us new opportunities and new ways to be happy, to become our best selves, to experience this life in all the ways we crave.
We know that somewhere, there is a universe where we figured it all out, and even now, they are smiling and holding onto each other tight, because they know how easy it would have been to slip from each other’s fingers. They know how easy it would’ve been to have lived in a world without each other.
They know the exact same things we do, but here, we know that it isn’t going to break us.