First off, I’m not trying to tell you that you have to.
You’re the only person who can make that choice, and follow through with it. I don’t know you, or him. I don’t know just how deeply he hurt you.
I do know it’s hard to forgive him. I know that the hurt runs deep and the feelings don’t just vanish the next day. Even when he’s out of sight, those memories are never out of mind. When it comes to the people who hurt us, we retain those memories the most.
Even now, you can’t truly remember the good times you know you had to have had at some point. They are all tainted by the lies that came up, the times he let you down. You try to find a happy moment but it’s always accompanied by a darker one. The thing you seem to remember most is he didn’t treat you well, and then he shattered your heart. He carelessly broke you with only himself in mind.
You already know all the reasons you haven’t forgiven him, but the truth is, it’s been a long time. Even years. And you’re starting to wonder if you’re just holding onto the grudge too long.
Maybe it’s time to let him go. Maybe it’s time to try and forgive him.
Not because he deserves it. He doesn’t. But because you deserve to live a life that isn’t consumed by a bitter hatred. You deserve a life where his name doesn’t send you into a spiral. You deserve a life that doesn’t have an entire section devoted to wasting space on him anymore.
Sometimes, we hold onto the pain because it’s the only thing we have left. Even if we can’t stand them, we also know that if we truly wanted them to be gone, letting the past go and moving forward without the grudges we’ve become so good at carrying is the thing we need to do the most. Sometimes, we think forgiving is a sign of weakness, when in fact it’s the opposite. The amount of strength it takes to let go of the hurt and bitterness that someone planted inside of you is almost painfully impossible.
You are allowed to feel the pain. It’s valid. It’s real. Forgiving him doesn’t mean what he did was okay. It just means that you know you’re bigger than the pain he tried to give to you. That you’re stronger than any amount of brokenness he tried to leave you in. That you can do the thing the people struggle to do all their lives—finally release themselves from someone who hurt them in ways they never thought they would ever have to experience. And deep down, there is a part of you that knows that if you continue to hold onto the things he did to you for the rest of your life, it’s going to destroy you, perhaps even more than he ever did on his own.
One day, I hope you can find a way to take the weight on your shoulders and leave it behind, and never look back. I hope you take the ache he left with you and decide it’s not worth carrying with you anymore.
And maybe you’re not ready to forgive him yet. That’s okay too.
But one day, I hope you get there.