It’s one of the hardest things in life, loving someone and exerting your full effort for them, and not getting the same in return. We all know what it’s like. We’ve watched it on movies, read it on novels, on articles, heard it from friends, and we may have experienced it at least once. But what they forget to include in movies and novels is the more difficult struggle from the other side of the story. They say mature love is putting someone else’s needs above yours. What if you’re the someone whose needs are put above the other? Nothing is more difficult than loving someone very much, and knowing you can’t equal the overflowing love they give you. These people, people like you, are often branded as selfish. But when you are his source of happiness, and he is yours, and he’s okay with you putting him below your list, is it still selfish? We are all advised not to base our happiness on a boy who can change his mind any day. But when the boy bases his happiness on a girl like you, what can you do?
So you’re in love with a boy. And he loves you back. But you don’t prioritize him as much as he does you. He’s not a priority, but he’s not an option either. He is your security whenever you feel lost. He is the person who, without a doubt, will “always be there for you” because you’re sure and secured of his feelings for you. You know he’s a keeper. Definitely a keeper. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted and more, he’s perfect. He treats you like how you dreamt of being treated—like a princess on some days, like a queen on most. And there you are, thanking him for everything. Just thanking him. There are days that you feel like a monster, and quite frankly, you are. You’re a monster who devours this poor boy’s heart.
You create and plant a false image of perfection in this poor boy’s mind. You make him feel like he’s lucky to have you, when the truth is you’re lucky to have him. You will never find somebody else who will put up with you and all your complexities like he does. You feel guilty every single day of your life and you know it’s only right to give back. Give back what he had given you. But you just can’t. He is important to you, but no matter how important he is, there will always be something more important than him. And on some days that’s okay. On some days, it’s explicable. But the longer the time you spend with him, the lower he drops on your list of important things in life. Your family will always be your priority, or your career, or your religion, or anything else. But you know it will never be him. And again, that’s okay; healthy, even. When he tells you he needs you, does he really need you? Or does he need the thought of having somebody to love? If you can’t reciprocate the love he gives, it doesn’t mean you don’t love him. But you will never stop thinking about how you’re not good enough for the boy who loves you sincerely.
You will never stop genuinely thinking about how you’re toxic for him, even when he says you’re the best thing that has ever happened to him. You care for him, and you love him, but he just always cares for and loves you more. You can’t, nor can you ever, match his affection for you and it will always bother you. You will always feel sorry for him. You will always feel like you’re taking him for granted. You will always feel selfish and self-absorbed whenever he’s being kind to you even when you’re being really unreasonable (which is all the time). You know you will hurt him, really bad, when you leave him. In fact, you wouldn’t want to leave him, but you know he deserves more than you. He deserves somebody who puts him on top of the list because that’s where he should be. He deserves somebody who will go out of their way to make him happy. He deserves everything you can’t give. You will always want the best for him… and for some reason, you’ve always known it isn’t you. As painful as it seems, it’s the truth. You know that the right thing to do is to let him go and let him find the happiness he deserves, not the illusion of happiness he feels with you. But you can’t do that. You can’t imagine him being happy with anybody else but you.
Maybe you have yet to realize the importance of giving someone your all. Maybe you have yet to find the part of your heart that can love, really love, and love deeply. Maybe you have yet to learn that loving someone means giving more than what you’re capable of. But… at the end of the day, the only choice you have is to give him the power to decide. And if he chooses you, if, despite your lack of appreciation for him, he chooses you, and he’s still fully, genuinely, honestly convinced that you are the only person who can make him happy, then be what he deserves. Start realizing the importance of selflessness. Start finding that part of your heart. Start learning about love. Or at least start trying.