I Will Forever Care, And I’m Not Sorry

I have loved so many things in this world. I love flowers: the smell, the colors, the way that putting them in my hair or behind my ears makes me feel ten times more beautiful. I love the sunshine, no matter how much it burns my fair skin, I’ll always love it. I love salt water, whether we’re talking about happy tears or ocean water­ I am a fan. I love animals & coffee & journals with empty pages for me to fill, I love the smell of books (old or new), and I like the open road paired with good music.

More than anything my heart has an endless ability to love people.

Despite my best efforts to hate the hearts who have hurt me, or to stop caring about the souls that got away, I can’t. I have started to see that having a heart that has the ability to love after the fact is actually pretty beautiful.

I always hated to be the person who says “please never call me or text me or talk to me again,” and then checks that persons Facebook or twitter three times a day, or hopes that every time my phone goes off I see their name. I always hated that I couldn’t turn off the part of my heart that needed to make sure that this person who I told to forget I exist was okay, that they were happy, that their heart was full. I hated that I still cared.

There are a lot of people in this world walking around who have no idea that they took up permanent residency in my heart from the moment I met them. Childhood friends who got me through all the hardships that I experienced too early in life. Boys who took me home in their cars and let me choose the music and boys who made me feel like I hung the moon. Friends who let me cry on their shoulders & who pulled me out of bed to remind what it feels like to really live after it had been too long. People who I pushed away, people who found a different path, even the people who are here now and in my daily life; I don’t think I can stop caring.

Just because I don’t love someone anymore, doesn’t mean I don’t still care, and it certainly doesn’t mean that I don’t pray for their happiness every day.

There is a certain stigma that’s says, “this person hurt me, I hope they never find happiness.” I get this; I get that nothing is more devastating than when a person you love won’t love you back, or when the words of another person wound us. But then I think about all the people I have hurt in this world, people who loved me and I couldn’t love them back, and then I think about how despite the hurt I’ve put on people and the mistakes I’ve made, it doesn’t make any less worthy of happiness, it just makes me
human.

So to the friends who chose another path and we grew up and grew apart, please know I hope you are endlessly happy. To the friends I hurt and who hurt me, please know that I hope you’re happy every day. I hope you find people to grow with you and to love you.

To the boys who I wanted so badly to love, I hope you stumble on to a girl who loves you in all the ways I couldn’t. I hope you find a girl who sets your heart on fire & you light up the world together, and I’m so sorry for any scars that I left.

So, if you’re like me, and you’re heart has been hurt by someone you used to know, by a heart you used to love, I hope you’re brave enough to allow your heart to be light instead of bitter.

I hope that instead of thinking about how your heart was broken, I hope you remember all the reasons you cared and loved for so long. The way your name sounded in their voice, the way they made you brave, the late nights, the random acts of friendship, the adventures.

Please know there is a reason you loved the hearts you loved, and it’s okay to still care.

You are not weak, you are not stupid, you are human, and sometimes we can’t help the hands our hearts fall into.

Whatever hands your heart has fallen into, I hope they treat it gently and love you boldly.