I have no idea why but I feel like it’s a good idea to tell you about my paranoias.
Actually, I do. I have two ideas why:
1. I want to know if anyone else shares these absurd fears and
2. I think that some might, and that they might like to know other people are as delusional as them.
Not world-changing ideas. Just sharing silly secrets. Getting rid of the “I’m the only one, aren’t I?”
Okay. I’m scared about this.. but here we go:
1. Ear-stabbing Q-tips. When I was young I accidentally poked too far into my ear with Q-tips before (brand name, very chic) and it freaked me out – if I went just a little farther my ear could be broken forever. Shit. So for decades now I’ve stood in the center of the bathroom, far from the door, to dry my ear-holes. I refuse to do it if someone is in there with me. If I’m talking to someone outside the door, I watch it carefully to make sure they don’t come crashing through and push the Q-tip to the deafening area of my ear.
2. Driving into oncoming traffic (or off a bridge… or a cliff). When I’m driving sometimes I suddenly have the urge to turn the wheel sharply for no good reason. I’m not trying to do anything. It just seems like a crazy experience to have (I’m sure it would be). I would never do this rationally… but I get worried sometimes that the little drunk driving demon inside me will sneak in while I’m pondering clouds or something and take over for just a moment.
3. I’m retarded. I have no good reason to think I’m retarded. Except for people laugh at me sometimes and I don’t know why. Or sometimes I’ll say something that completely means something different to the person I’m talking to than what I meant to say. And I have flashes that I’m actually just a retard that everyone is being really nice to and convincing him he’s normal(ish). Or maybe my retard-mind allows me to pretend this is normal because, for me the retard, it is. I don’t know. If this is true then I’ve been completely shunned by retards and taken under the wing of some sane people. (But maybe we’re all just retards. I don’t know. I’m starting to feel very disconnected from reality so we should move on.)
4. I am programmed. Similar to feeling retarded, I feel as though someone has masterfully created inputs for me like the Truman Show. This isn’t as narcissistic as it seems because it seems like everyone is operating with inputs. It’s more of an Illuminati thing. When this happens I try to prove everything wrong and get exhausted and get scared of governments and corporations. Everything is connected.
5. They’re working together. Big companies that work with food and media and the government and finance. It makes me feel like there are big players and I’m not on their team. (This one doesn’t seem completely unfounded. Still. Paranoia.)
6. Irrational people are smarter. I’m paranoid sometimes that it’s not right to be “right” as much as it is to have fun and believe silly things. Where I would consider many people technically “wrong” it seems like they’re beating everyone who is technically “right”. I’m a little bit less paranoid about this now because I try to pay attention to outcomes instead of being right. I just want to poke and prod instead of predict so much.
Okay. Those are my paranoias.
If you’re brave enough, I’d like to learn about yours in the comments. If I’m brave enough, I’ll tell you that I have the same stupid (or not stupid) worry.