Celibacy right now is one word that terrifies bros worldwide and is a close second to the other more horrible c-word, commitment. I had a drunken conversation months ago with a cab guy who insisted that either something was wrong with me or I was gay because I have chosen to be celibate. Even more weird is the countless women who bee-line away from me because they fear a venereal disease or some kind of life threatening illness might be the reason behind my choice. The last and one of my favourite misconceptions is that this new lifestyle is a result of joining a fundamentalist religious group or some cult, none of which could be further from the truth.
Denying yourself one of the pleasures of life is a good way to test your self-discipline. One of the things that a man covets is the female body. It’s no secret that almost everything we do is to get Mrs Right or even Ms Right Now and my case wasn’t the least bit different. For a long time I couldn’t show appreciation for a woman without thinking it being a physical gesture of some sort. Most guys I know can’t have women friends because we cannot look at a woman without seeing her as someone who is attractive and a keeper of sex. I can’t say I am over that, but I’m working every day on transcending that limiting frame of mind. I am able to give more time to women friends without an angle or an end in mind which before was always to sleep with them. I used to think because I wasn’t a womaniser or a meathead that I was better, but I found out I am just the same because of my toxic thought processes.
It’s a position I didn’t expect to find myself in, but now I am able to connect with women not only as females, but as people who share the same human experience as me. That means now more than ever, I actively want to improve their lives, like I do my bros, by spending time with them, sharing information I feel could help them, being there for them as a companion and making myself available when they need me. I am not special in any way so I feel like you can do it too bro. I don’t mean to be preachy, but let’s do better bro.
Celibacy will help you discover what love is, real love that I call the virtuous love. The end goal of a virtuous love is not to own someone or keep someone around just because they make you feel good. A virtuous love is one that wants a person to be the best they can be and flourish, not to force and manipulate them to change so they suit your life. Also a virtuous love is one that provides the resources to assure the partner of success in all facets of life emotionally, materially, financially and socially.
Where I am now didn’t happen overnight, I had to renew my mind on a daily basis. Being celibate doesn’t just mean denying yourself sex and that’s that, but it is more complex than that. On a daily basis you have to break down the habits that you had in your past life and make new habits that are in line with your new life. Beyond breaking the habits you have to face the mental patterns behind those habits. It is in no way easy because these are patterns built over years and now you have to make the difficult decision to dissociate yourself from them. The word dissociate can be misleading since it means disconnecting or distancing yourself, meaning you are separating yourself, but that is the last part of the process of mental renewal. The process of getting that new state of mind is based on the two principles of conflict resolution.
The first step is Recognition or identifying the problem. What that does is put in you in the position of power to assess your views about women and ultimately, how you treat them. The biggest question you should ask yourself is whether your perception of women builds them up or tears them down. When I got more honest with myself, I found out that most of my interactions with women were self-serving and one-sided it was always about what I could exploit from them. For you bro, that can be a hard pill to swallow, but from then on you can move on to the second part of conflict resolution which is Discussion.
Talking to your bros about going celibate is not an easy thing, but I find that the more you make your intentions and motives clear, the more they will understand. I still get a lot of grief from my bros, but it’s never malicious. Identifying a bro who is on the same path as you is crucial to sticking to your commitment. I am a few months into it and my mentor or bigger bro as I like to call him has been at this celibate life for 3 times longer than I have so I look to him as a benchmark. It’s very easy to fall off so I suggest you get in touch with someone who will offer you advice on a daily or weekly basis and even better, you can find a bro to start with so you push each other.
It may be difficult at the start, but its worth it in the long run so whether you go for a month-long break or 6 months, it works out for you in the end. If you do start out remember you’re not the first and you won’t die from being sex starved, though admittedly it might drive you a little crazy the first few week. Baby steps, my friend, baby steps.