1. Drake snickering in the corner waiting for the subject of his prank to find out that he’s been duped. The victim is Birdman. Drake switched Birdman’s normal hand lotion with an alternative brand that is more hypo-allergenic and manufactured from 100% organic ingredients. He emerges from his trailer satisfied with himself after Birdman tells him his hands are noticeably softer and gives him a warm hug.
2. Drake throwing a tantrum disturbing the customers at an up market restaurant because the soup he ordered scalded his tongue. He immediately storms out and spends the rest of the night under covers replaying Coldplay’s “Don’t Panic” desperately trying to reassure himself that all humans are not inherently evil.
3. Drake making him and his female companion sneak out of his favorite eatery like Scooby and Shaggy after leaving a tip just under 10% of the meal. They slip out quietly before the waiter comes for the tip and when his date gives him a confused look while they wait for the valet, Drake sheepishly exclaims, “It’s ok, it’s ok, best believe he understands, its ok.”
4. Drake wearing white after labor but finding comfort in the fact that he at least wore black briefs which offers him a sense of relief.
5. Drake eating soup with the dessert spoon because you know, you only live once. He whispers #YOLO under his breath all the while flashing a content smile at his mischievous actions.
6. Drake trashing his changing room because his pre-show routine was ruined by an incompetent intern playing Aaliyah’s “Let me know” before “4 page letter.” He sends said intern on a 2 week paid vacation where she is forced to attend an Aaliyah appreciation concert every night starring the best impersonator money can buy.
7. Drake walking out of an interview because the journalist referred to him as Aubrey sending him back in time to his privileged childhood when he was trying so hard to put on his hard-as-nails rapper persona.
8. Drake insisting that they hold up his 5 car convoy around the corner from the club for 4 hours because he got word that Pusha T is at the same venue. He finds himself at the crossroads.
- He doesn’t want to lose his little shred of street credibility by fanning out when he sees Pusha
- He doesn’t want to miss the parade of loosely dressed waitresses. With their champagne and sparklers coupled with unending enthusiasm, they resemble cheerleaders, the only thing close to a college experience for him.
- He doesn’t want to lose favor with his mentor and broski Lil Wayne who isn’t quite a fan of Pusha.
9. Drake packing a weapon in his briefs before he leaves for the club late at night to celebrate after bagging a host of statuettes at the BET Awards. He does this as a cautionary measure while murmuring “Jealousy in the air tonight I can tell” since a lot of rappers will be there including his secret arch-nemesis Janet Jackson who he fell out with after he mentioned her on his song “Money To Blow”. The arsenal consists of a water gun filled with vodka to blind her entourage in case of attack and a whistle to summon his own goons that might get preoccupied with the free drinks at the club.
10. Drake refusing to speak to his mother for 2 months straight because she used a generic fabric conditioner on his clothes when he came to visit her in Canada. As a result of the lack-luster brand Drake’s super sensitive skin had a terrible breakout and he ended up cancelling all up-coming meet-and-greets lest his fans see him in a less than glorious physical condition.