Thank You For Your Goodbye

Young woman in checkered shirt sitting on a picnic blanket at the sand beach in Charleston
Cody Black / Unsplash

You were my everything. I never thought I was capable of loving you the way I did. Everything felt perfect. I was always ready to face tomorrow because I knew I had you by my side. All my future plans included you. All I knew was that you were the one…

Or so I thought?

They warned me, though. It’s true when they said too much of a good thing won’t be good for long. Every problem rose inevitably the way the sun rises. Every argument drove us to the edge of our relationship. Every fight led us to the brink of losing ourselves. We kept on pushing and pulling each other. We brought out the demons of one another we never even knew existed.

Somewhere between our love and indifference, we lost ourselves.

Even though I had you in my life, there was a familiar darkness in me that just wouldn’t let me be. This deep black hole was always present whenever loneliness would pay me a visit. Maybe it was the pain talking whenever something good has happened.

I had you, my family, and my friends, but I still felt empty inside. I’ve always wondered why and how I’m never contented with what I’ve had. I’m fully aware of how toxic I was. I’ve always damaged people even though it was never my intention.

Whenever I was facing a problem, I just felt like ending my life. You knew how mentally unstable I was and we knew how much you hated that fact. Whenever I felt like putting everything to end, you’d be there to calm my storm. You’ve always shown me the beauty of life. Most of the time, I thought you were the only one keeping me sane and alive. That’s why I was scared to lose you. Even though I’m hurt, I never thought of letting you go because I’m scared of my happiness and my life to be taken away from me. I didn’t want to be left alone in the dark.

But I was totally wrong because you were the one keeping me in the dark.

When you left me, it has been the lowest point of my life. It was the time I was expecting more depressing thoughts because I’ve never felt such pain before. It was my first time getting hurt that bad.

And to my surprise, even though the darkness was there, there weren’t any horrible thoughts.

For once, I never thought of ending my life even though the world was cruel. All I wanted was the pain to end. All I’ve been praying was for God to heal me. I let the pain consume me. I allowed myself to break after being strong for so long. Finally, I was the one saving myself.

After hundreds of prayers, I just woke up out of the darkness. It was kind of a miracle. I stopped feeling empty. I was alone but I wasn’t lonely. For once, I stopped pretending to be okay because I felt genuinely great.

I was sorry for every unpleasant thing I did but it made me realize why we really didn’t work. It wasn’t just because I was toxic and you got tired of me. It was because you made me feel bad about myself. You made me doubt myself. You made it seem like there was something wrong in me without acknowledging the reasons behind my heinous behavior. And no one deserves that, not even you.

I’m thankful for your “goodbye.” It did me a lot of favors. You made me learn the things I truly deserve and you made me love myself even more. TC mark

Just a dreamer who loves writing about her feelings and nothing else.

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