I have never felt this free in my entire life. For so long, I used to be scared of being alone. I always settled with jerks, with almost, with half-hearted flings or with one-sided relationships, just to have someone with me. Since I started dating, I was never totally available for a long time. I always made sure there’s someone right after another, serious or not. It was because I seek validation from someone else and because I was stupid and young.
I’ve always been so strong but I took the act of being alone as a weakness. I always thought people would pity me when they would see me walk alone in the mall or whenever I eat alone. I’ve been scared of the thought of no one loving me at all. I thought being alone corresponds to loneliness. I often envisioned myself in one of those Nicholas Sparks movies but I always ended up being Carrie Bradshaw. You can never really blame my hopeless romantic heart, can you?
It took me one hell of a heartbreak to realize everything. It took me years to know that being single is an act of courage. It means being independent. It is surprisingly empowering. It’s the perfect time to finally learn how to love myself and to discover things on my own. It’s about focusing on more important things such as career, family, and friends. It had me realize the constant people in my life, those who never left during my darkest days.
And, just because I’m single, doesn’t mean I’m alone or that I’m lonely. Being single is not the worst thing that happened to someone, it’s not yet the end of the world. Most importantly, I’ve finally realized that life doesn’t revolve around romance and jerks.
For the first time in my life, I really enjoy being single. I can’t believe I’m the one pushing away guys right now, even the good ones (may I never regret that decision). I really think I’m nowhere near ready to commit because I still have a lot to learn and there’s a lot I want to do for myself. I even enjoy my own company.
The lack of self-love led me to depend my happiness on others which was really terrible. I never should have depended my happiness on someone because people eventually leave whether we like it or not. I never should have settled with a man who was inconsistent or who was half there. I should have ended things immediately because I know I deserved more.
The only validation that I need is from myself and from God. I really feel good on my own right now. And, I promise, I’m going to love myself until all the wounds have finally healed. I’m going to love myself so much until I am ready to love again and to finally commit. I’m never letting go of the people who stayed, who never made me feel alone because they are the ones that keep me going.
The happiness I’m feeling right now is what I’ve been searching for others to give me, the kind of happiness that would actually complete me. Little did I know that happiness has been with me all this time, if only I didn’t look that far, if only I was brave enough to face my fear of being alone, and if only I had paid attention to myself a little bit more.