This Is What I Really Mean When I Say ‘I Want To Die’

Trigger warning: this article contains sensitive content involving suicidal ideation.
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Kamil Szumotalski / Unsplash

The past months haven’t been good to me. I kept on telling myself how I suck and how my life was a mess. Honestly speaking, saying those words out loud quite helped me because at least I stopped expecting from myself and it also warned people to stop expecting from me.

I have all my loved ones around me. I have you but I still felt empty inside. I did pray. He never left and I suck because sometimes I forgot Him, too. Maybe it’s why I still feel alone and lonely.

I’ve been warned that the world we’re living in is cruel.

I’ve been bombarded with pressure. I am exhausted. I am frustrated. Will I find a nice job? Will I make my parents proud? Will I become successful? Will you stay by my side forever?

I faced multiple problems every day. Deadline. Money. Motivation. Rejection. Will to live.

I also ate insults for lunch every day. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m harsh. I’m insecure.

It just won’t end. When will it ever end?

I know you were tired of hearing things such as “I want to die” or “I can’t wait to die” from me every time. I know it did upset you. I know you think I am selfish.

But when I said I wanted to die, what I meant was I just wanted the pain to end. It was not me being selfish to leave you behind. All I wanted was to be happy for a long time which seemed impossible. I wanted to lessen your burden. I wanted things to fall into their right places. I wanted my plans to push through accordingly. I wanted people to accept me the way I am, regardless of my capabilities and physique. I wanted to be best in something. I wanted to make everyone be proud of me. I wanted you to know my worth.

And maybe, just maybe, the lack of my presence would make things better.

I may be young, still about to conquer more challenges the world has to offer, but it doesn’t mean I’m no longer allowed to face the obstacles I am facing right now. I may have shallow problems but that doesn’t mean I can’t have my own problems. I’ve been told multiple times to never invalidate my feelings but it was never easy for me.

So, I when I said I wanted to die, that’s when you’d hold me tighter than usual. I didn’t mean to be harsh and leave you for good. I just wanted you beside me as I gain the sanity I needed to survive. TC mark

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