5 Ways That Unemployment Is Totally Underrated

1. You get to sleep in every day! As late as you want! Unless there is construction outside or your roommate decides to scrub the bathtub every single morning. In which case, like the working stiff that you aren’t, you get a productively early start to your day. But why the hell is your coffee container empty? Weren’t you supposed to buy more yesterday?

2. Unemployment pays! You get to apply for all sorts of government benefits, and they just give you money. Unless it was your fault for getting fired. Oops. But then you can still probably get food stamps. Unless you’re paying rent in cash and aren’t supposed to tell anyone where you’re living and your roommate, who is absolutely hysterical, almost kicks you out of the apartment for even glancing at a food-stamps application. But you probably shouldn’t be on food stamps because you’re totally middle class, and this whole situation is just temporary, and you can always move back home, right? On the other hand, apparently anyone can show up to a homeless shelter. Now, what’re the cross streets for that one nearby so you can tell the cab driver?

3. The world is your oyster! Interviewing hasn’t been going well? Chances are you’re super smart and competent and, really, you could do anything with your life, so why not spend this time soul searching and telling your friends all about your journey?

4. McDonald’s! You can eat here basically every day. I mean, why not throw caution to the wind with your waistline and complexion? You’ve been dieting since your metabolism gave out at age 21, and McDonald’s doesn’t even play around with reduced-calorie fries. (Get out of here, Burger King!) Pro tip: don’t forget the $1 coffee, which may or may not help with digestion. It’s worth a try, right?

 5. It’s like taking a time machine back to 1952! You’re all dressed up. Waiting by the phone. Hoping an employer will call. Just like Reese Witherspoon in Pleasantville! Sometimes you leave the apartment. But does your cell phone have enough battery? iOS 7 supposedly wreaks havoc on battery life. Maybe it would be best to stay in your room near your charger. If you crane your neck enough, you can almost see the sky from your third-floor courtyard-facing bedroom window. Maybe you’ll venture outside tomorrow. TC mark

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