I’m Smart Enough To Realize You Don’t Want Me

This is a letter responding to my soon-to-be Ex Husband (married for 7 years, together for 13), who I ran into with some girl grocery shopping last Sunday night. We’ve been separated for a little over a year, but I’ve finally found the courage to say ‘It’s Over, it’s officially over.”

First of all, I know you’ve been “protecting” me throughout this past year. There are days when I probably needed it, and there are days when I was dying for some honesty and truth. I just want you to know that when I invite you to do things with me and our daughter, it’s not for my sake, although I still do really love spending time with you.

It’s not for me to keep up my hopes for “us”. I’m smart enough to realize you don’t want me, and I’m not what you need to fit into your new lifestyle, even though if I can be 100% honest, I don’t think you ever truly tried. And that, to me, is probably the biggest disappointment of all. In my mind, when you are married, you learn to grow together… You start a family, you go through life changes, you evolve and change together. Nobody ever said those things are easy.

I have changed this year too, probably more in the past couple months than all of last year. I’m stronger mentally and physically, probably more so than ever before in my life. Maybe you want to think I’m just sitting around waiting for you to come begging for me to come back, but I’m not. I’m just not.

I miss you like crazy, some days more than others, but I KNOW that I deserve to be loved wholeheartedly. I deserve that. I deserve more than that. I deserve what I signed up for and was promised the day I married you. End of story.

If I could, I would be gone. I would have packed up and moved far away, where there would be no chance of running into you and “Hi, I’m Ashley!” EVER again.

I would probably be dating somebody new, but I have not let myself even go there, because everything I do is for our daughter, and I don’t believe that would be best for her at this moment. At the end of every day, I have to think of what is best for her. I want her to know what love is. I don’t want her growing up thinking her parents didn’t even try, that her dad walked out when she was not even 2, because he just didn’t feel like being married anymore. I want you to know that I will never badtalk you to anyone but especially our daughter. It gets hard though, when she cries for you and asks me why you’re not at our house. “He doesn’t want to be here, baby girl… He’s got a new different life now… but don’t worry, you fit into it a few nights a week.” (that’s harsh, sorry)… it’s got some truth to it though.

I like to hear that you miss hanging out with me, you should.

I like to think there is some part of me you must still like, even though you don’t love me anymore.

I’m a pretty awesome person, and I’m a great mom. I know how to have fun, to laugh, and to be serious. I am smart and creative and honest and loyal and giving. It’s hard for me to think about the “could have been’s”.

And then I see you and “Hi, I’m Ashley!”, and I want to vomit. I was physically ill last night, I ate nothing, I was shaking.

I didn’t think that would be my reaction. I don’t know what I thought, but I wanted to punch that girl in the face. I kept thinking, she has to know who I am, and what do you tell her? Not that I care, but I NEVER want to be mis-represented, as a mom, as a wife, or as a person. I was a good wife.

I don’t want you back, I don’t think I would ever be able to let myself back to that vulnerable state with you. I don’t believe you could ever make me feel safe with you again, and I don’t know if I could ever trust you again. It would take mountains of work on your part, and I don’t see that happening. I deserve true happiness and love, not love that changes with the seasons, with your mood, with how you’ve decided you want to live your life.