Like most women, I love sex! I am a willing participant in this sweaty game of rubbing genitals. However, my mouth isn’t just a hole for your dick. It more often than not spouts out hilarious, wise-beyond-my-years rhetoric that you should be grateful to be in earshot of. This applies to the majority of women. I’m gonna Ann Curry this statement and say it’s at least 95%. We are smart, funny, interesting girls who should be treated as such.
So riddle me this, assholes:
Why do you expect to get laid when you put in absolutely NO effort?! And I’m not talking dinner, a movie, or a picnic in the park. I’m saying go to a fucking bar and repeat these words: “Hey, I’m Nick (or Doug, or Roger…never Rusty, if your name is Rusty, change your name) I saw you and wanted to come over and introduce myself. Can I buy you a drink?”
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THE SECRET CODE TO GETTING LAID. WHO WOULD’VE KNOWN?!? GOOD THING I CAN DECODE HIEROGLYPHICS! NOW I CAN SHARE THIS ANCIENT KNOWLEDGE WITH THE FUCKING WORLD.
That “tactic,” as worn-out as it is, will be 100 times more effective than the route this fucker took with me on Tinder:
This shit is so lazy.
Where did the effort and respect go? I don’t need you to butter me up with compliments and (depending on how squirrely I’m feeling) I don’t even need much conversation. However, I do need more than “Hey hottie, where you at? Wanna get together?”
Umm, no I don’t, because you’re a lazy asshole that can’t bring himself to say “hi” to a woman in person. You spout out a line that isn’t clever or charming, and you expect my panties to drop. And you’re probably a murderer. Or a magician. Either way, I’m out.
Ladies, we need to take some responsibility for this mess, too. This must work for some women out there, otherwise this wouldn’t exist. Guys will throw shit at a wall 99 times if they heard that on the 100th time it stuck.
I’m NOT saying to say “no” to all men looking for sex. I’m all for gettin’ some strange. However I am saying you should say “no” to those that ask from behind a smartphone screen.
That guy at the end of the bar making eyes at you is a much better choice for your vagina. He’s outgoing, confident, and real! Want to know how I know? He didn’t Tinder-message me asking if I could fit him in between my weekend errands to provide him “stress relief” for his job interview on Monday. And by “job interview,” he meant “court hearing.” And by “stress relief,” he meant “cum on your face.”
The longer we encourage “dating” apps such as Tinder, the more we can kiss that “saw fireworks, weak in the knees, finish each other’s sentences” kind of fantasy love goodbye.
Next thing you know you’ll be online dating Doug, the 40-year-old Golden Corral night manager, who has every episode of America’s Most Wanted on DVD and soils his jeans when you hold his hand.
Let’s stop this epidemic. #StopTindyFucking