I’m sorry for missing your birthday. I’m sorry for not texting back that time when you needed me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for going away parties, super bowl parties, and parties we’ve talked about going for the entire year and planned out outfits for. I’m sorry for flaking again and again, and then telling you how free I’m going to be this summer when we both know how unlikely that really is.
I’m sorry for lashing out at your face. I’m sorry for bursting in tears and telling you to help me when we both know there’s nothing you can do. I’m sorry for frustrating you by being uncommunicative and telling you “I’m okay” when all you want to do is help me. I’m sorry for creating so much unnecessary stress in your life by bottling my troubles up until I blew up. I’m sorry for not listening to you about how unhealthy “blowing up” is. I’m sorry for my confusing feelings, polarizing actions, and irrationality.
But I want you to know that I love you. I love you more than words can possibly imagine. I want to show you everything, tell you all of my stories, and call you every minute of the day. I want to go back to times when we were so happy and didn’t care about problems and the future and replay those moments over and over again. I want to just laugh and laugh and laugh with you. I want to take a trip to some random place we choose by closing our eyes and point on a map because we somehow have the resources and time to do so. Or, I just want to lie in bed and watch whatever TV show is on, sitting silently next to you.
But I can’t. Not because I’m busy hanging out with someone else. (Trust me, I’d rather be hanging out with you.) It’s because I have this fiery pit in my belly telling me I haven’t reached my full potential.
It’s because I walk down 58th street with my mind reminding me of my failures and regrets I’ve made. It’s because I can’t sleep until I know that I have worked as hard as I possible can. Sometimes, those thoughts can inspire me and make me reach farther than I thought I could possibly reach, but I also have to think about whether or not you’re mad at me because I flaked on dinner plans, or I’m worried that I haven’t contacted you in 3 weeks. My mind is constantly torn in being that friend that I so deeply want to be for you all the time, and pushing myself to places and goals that recur in my daydreams.
So I’m putting you on the back burner for now. For this moment in time you are secondary to my own goals and life. I know you have told me that this was okay: that you knew that I still loved you and cared about you, but you’re also an amazing human being who I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have as a friend. So you’ll say anything to make me feel better – even if it sometimes hurts you.
So I want to tell you one of the main reasons why I’m working so hard.
Short answer: you.
Long answer: When I’ve reached my goal, I want to give you as much happiness as I possible can. I want to be the friend that pushes you to reach your full potential instead of burdening you. I want to hold your hand on level ground instead of tugging you down.
When I’ve reached my equilibrium point – a point where I know I can think of my future without hyperventilating – you will be the first person I call to catch up. You will be the first person I want to see.
When I find stability, I promise to give you the same unconditional love you gave me that day, because of that thing. I think of you every time I feel like I can’t push myself anymore or I don’t see a solution to a problem that’s been bugging me for days, and you’ll motivate me to try try try and try again.
I know that if I work hard enough, I can be happy with you, having brunches and talking about our amazing lives we worked and struggled for. And that’s truly what gets me up from bed every morning.
I love you to the moon and back again.