I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know when it started or if I was ever aware that the love I fought so hard for was slowly fading away.
I spent years fighting for this. I spent buckets full of tears. I spent nights wishing the pain would someday subside.
I spent days accepting our differences and forgiving the things I had no control of.
I spent a whole lot of convincing that I deserve what I was going through…
Until the time came and it just hit me, it’s over.
The thing I wanted the most in the world means nothing more to me. Did it hurt?
Yes, it did and it still does to the point that I no longer know what to feel or if I’m feeling anything at all.
I became so numb, I wanted to know where it hit me or how deep it went through or what it was that made me wake up.
I wanted to find the root. I wanted to know, was it the time when he left me because he wasn’t ready for commitment?
Was it those times he shouted at me every time we got into an argument?
Was it the disrespectful and the vile words that come out of his mouth making me feel small all the time?
When did it happen? How did it happen? What made me give up?
Was it the toxicity? The inconsistency? Was it both?
Before I left, I thought of all the things I went through instead of the things we went through together. Was I being selfish? You tell me.
All those years, I let my world be the person that was supposed to be just a person. I let my whole world rotate on everything that he did.
I gave all my puzzle piece on his every space that needed to be filled. I did everything to make him happy because if he’s happy, I was happy.
He didn’t need to ask. I wanted to do it on my own without asking for anything in return.
And now I’m here. I chose myself because I thought this time it’s my spaces that need filling with puzzle pieces that actually fit. I am now incomplete because I gave all my cards away.
I thought I wanted to be to whole too.
Him, being so used to be the center of my world thinks he could fix me.
He wants to show me what I deserved; what I wanted, what I needed, what I never got from him all those years I chose to be with him.
Life is just too unfair. You know?
When is it ever right to leave them behind? Right?
He’ll do everything to win back the girl who would give up anything for him and what would that leave me?
Then I thought if he really does love me. He should let me be happy on my own.
I realized it’s the right time to leave when your heart is already back in its rightful place.
It’s with you, always with you.