Depression. One thing I know for sure about depression is it’s not sadness. I used to be so depressed and from time to time I still am; I still feel it clutching onto every hope I have existing on my body.
But I am not sad.
In fact, I am a happy person. I give people smiles, even the people that I do not know. I make people laugh when I can, I joke and mess around a lot. That is who I am.
But behind closed doors when the lights are off and everyone’s fast asleep, I still welcome my long-time partner who can’t seem to let me go.
Depression. I didn’t want to accept it; I didn’t want to tell people that I have this feeling in me that I’m just so tired. So if I have to explain what depression feels like, it is not something you can call sadness.
It is being tired when you just had the happiest day of your life. It is being tired when you just accomplished every plan you had. It is being tired when you just saw the people you love laughing. It is being tired when you just ate your favorite food. It is being tired when you just bought the thing you wanted the most.
It is being tired when you are not supposed to feel tired at all. It is being tired when you just woke up because everything wears you out including you.
Still, I am not sad. And it is not just in my head, it is inside my system that nobody even knew about. It is flowing inside my veins reaching every corner of my being. It is clawing its way out and it wants to control me until I decide that it should be the other way around.
And this is how I survived.
At 17, I had my first tattoo. I felt in control of my life and I didn’t feel tired. I felt strong and brave every time the needles poked my skin, I felt free. At 18, I had my second one. I had this feeling inside me that I should just end my misery and I am proud that I didn’t. I chose to paint the skin I hated. I chose to make it look beautiful for myself and not for everyone to see. I chose myself regardless of what they are telling me to do and for once in my life, I didn’t feel tired. I had a few more before I found writing as my escape.
I am not telling you to get tattoos. I am not telling you to rebel or do something out of your comfort zone. All I am saying is it will be okay.
You are allowed to feel okay; you are allowed to choose yourself. You are allowed to not feel tired anymore; you are allowed to let depression go.
Turn the negative things into art, turn it into something wonderful. Yes, I still feel it; it still visits me even when I am overflowing with happiness. The difference is I know that it’ll be okay.
You should know this too, you are not alone.