I’m Still Not Over You, But I Will Be Someday

Toa Heftiba
Toa Heftiba

Here we are again, your presence permeating my space. It’s been so long since the last time I saw you. You look both familiar and unfamiliar; I could feel the echoes of butterflies in my stomach but I could also feel my chest starting to squeeze itself out. Seeing you still feels both physically and emotionally painful, but the expectation of meeting you again has dulled that sense.

Finally, I can easily look away from you; I don’t have any more reason to catch your eye. No more pondering if you’re looking at me too. No more puzzling over what you’re thinking of, whether you’re thinking of me. I can finally hear your voice without my heart beating so fast. I already realized the clarity I needed so badly. The elephant hanging around the room has already left – on most days. Sometimes it still peeks through the door, the possibility of its presence so threatening, but it’s now easier to shut out.

Yes, I still miss you a lot, much more than I care to admit. After all, at some point in our lives I’ve loved you. But I know better now than to act on that yearning. You, of all people who had come and gone through my life, had been the hardest to lose – precisely because you weren’t mine in the first place. I had to watch you like a shooting star, dazzling me with your mystery and your charm – but all too soon you disappeared, and I was left with an empty sky. It seemed like I was destined to fall in love with you but never have you fall in love with me. Such a shame, the way fate has patterned our lives together; two lines approaching but never quite meeting.

I’m still not over you, and that is okay. Losing you wasn’t a hangover that you can get over in a day’s time, or a bruise that leaves no trace after a week. I have to accept that there are days when I am over you, and there are days when it still hurts. With all this chaos in my heart, there is only room for acceptance, but I will make acceptance my road to letting go of you.

Someday, it will not hurt anymore. These will all be just a scar, and what a beautiful scar it will be – it has taught me a lesson and left me with a reminder. Meeting you has taught me that I am capable of loving someone who can never love me back. Losing you has taught me to let go. Someday, I will stop looking for you altogether – I will stop seeing your face in the crowd, hearing your voice in the humdrum of every day. I will stop wondering about you, thinking about you. Someday I will finally stop falling in love with you.

I’m still not over you, but I will be someday. TC mark

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